MY NAME IS THE MATADOR AND I STEAL GRAPES

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I haven’t been in the mood to write anything lately. Like all of you I am still trying to come to grips with the shooting last Friday. I want to write about it but right now I have nothing meaningful to add. When something like this happens I spend my time trying to empathize with the parents of these children and think about what happened before I offer an opinion. Emotion is the enemy of critical thought and I don’t want to be like these idiots on twitter saying stupid, hateful things. I have seen people advocate the murder of NRA members and I have seen people using this tragedy to advance their pro-gun agenda. These are not serious people in my opinion and are simply making fools of themselves. I also saw one person tweet something angry and hateful to someone who had nothing to do with any of this and quickly got calmly bitch slapped by that person. In the end she looked like a fool and I don’t want to do that. In the future if I feel I have something worth saying I will write about it.

Instead I would like to focus on the past year and the coming year. It was a strange year for me. I started this blog and it has reached a level I never in a million years expected. I have made some great friends, incredibly bright women who love to challenge me and make me look stupid, I love that about them. I have read many books and been introduced to a life I didn’t even know existed. Because of this I have grown even closer to my wife. I have received e-mails that broke my heart by women who say things like “I wish my husband would have read your blog, maybe we would still be married”. I also received emails that said “You are a misogynist cocksucker and I hope you get cancer”. That was really uncalled for because I have never sucked a cock.

For the most part it has been awesome. This is what I want for next year:

I want to spend more time with my kids, not just time but quality time.

I want to surprise my wife, blindfold her and take her somewhere she has never been before, then drop her off and see if she can find her way home.

I want to sit on the beach during a rain storm.

I want to invent a new sexual position.

I have a 4 year old nephew I have never met. I would like to meet him.

I want to spend more time with my dad, I am not sure he has much time left.

I want to start watching more exercise equipment infomercials.

I want to do one nice thing for someone every day without them knowing it.

At the end of 2013 I want to call every one and tell them all the nice things I did for them that they didn’t know about.

I want to raise money for ovarian cancer.

I want to be more positive and stay away from hateful people and negativity. I have unfollowed many people on twitter. I am surrounded by ignorant people in real life I don’t want it in my online life.

I want to discover a new planet and name it Bob.

I want to avoid accidentally killing someone with my car.

I want to conduct a study on how useless studies are.

I want to get past the first level of Angry Birds.

I want to throw an eggplant at one of those stupid little bike riders who block traffic.

I want to see if I can convince my neighbor his house is haunted.

I want to help an old lady cross the street, I have never done that.

I want to stop stealing grapes. I didn’t know they were sold by the pound, I thought they were sold by the bag so I would eat them while I was shopping. My daughter finally pointed out that I was stealing.

I want to figure out how many grapes I have stolen and pay them back so my daughter can see.

I want to go to an airport and jump on the luggage turnstile to see where it goes.

I want to convince my wife that a young, hot sister wife would be benefit her.

In the end I want to spend time with the ones I love and to have a happy, healthy New Year and I want the same for all of you.

The Matador.

140 thoughts on “MY NAME IS THE MATADOR AND I STEAL GRAPES”

  1. Just have to say, that I am so very glad I came across your blog this year. I read posts from your blog and twitter to my husband and we totally get a laugh. This post is no exception!

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  2. You can actually be pretty sweet sometimes….

    I like all your things you want to do….. but I think this one is the best!
    “I want to start watching more exercise equipment infomercials”

    Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! To your family from mine.

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      • The exercise equipment comes with being 42…trust me, my husband joined a health club. Seriously RM, you have brought so much laughter and thought provoking ideas into my life this year and I thank you for your humor and your more serious ruminations….it’s all good! It’s been fun to discover how men really think. Bring it on in 2013!

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  3. Beautifully said!

    I’ve done quite a few things on your list, and let me tell you, one of them put my back out :)

    It’s no use trying to address the negativity and stupidity, because it leaves most of us speechless and concentrating on remaining positive and caring for each other is much more productive.

    Here’s to you fulfilling your wish list (except for the part that you convince Lexie she needs a sister-wife, that’s never gonna fly).

    Wishing you and your family and everyone here, good health, happiness, laughter, love and an abundance of great times with family and friends.

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  4. Well Matador, you wrenched some tears out of me again! I love all your hope and plans for 2013….. But the whole blindfold Lexie thing??? Don’t think that’s a good idea.
    Wishing you a Merry Christmas, and hope your New Year is celebrated right where you want to be. Thanks for your wishes to us. You know we’ll be right back here in 2013, the BBL’s are very hard to get rid of! <3

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  5. *Sigh* I would love to sit on the beach during a rain storm too. You might consider doing the blindfold thing during a new sexual position, but I have a feeling if you ever left Lexie in the middle of nowhere blindfolded that new position may never happen! Lol. Good luck with the sister wife thing. Sounds so Alabamish! Thanks for the laugh Matador! :D

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  6. I like your list a lot, RM, especially the one about staying away from negative people. I am so with you on that! Life is short and I want to wring every bit of good stuff out of it before I go. Can’t do that when you’re dealing with the negatives. And I agree with you about the feelings we’re all dealing with after that horrific shooting on Friday–if the only thing it teaches us is to hold our kids and love them so they know they’re loved, that’s a damned good lesson.

    Merry Christmas to you and Lexie and the little matadors, who appear to have their heads screwed on perfectly straight. And no, it is NOT okay to eat the grapes before you’ve paid for them.

    Wishing you and yours all the best in the new year.

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  7. Just when I think you might be a jerk, you go and do something nice. You are kind of like the annoying brother I never had, never a dull moment. Thank you for the laughs you have given me in the months since I found you and believe me when I say I have needed each and every one of them. This has been by far the worst year of my life, so the bright spots were very welcome. I hope the new year brings you all the things you truely want and much much more. Merry Christmas and an extremely Happy New Year to you and yours!! Many Blessings!!!!

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  8. You also forgot to wish for a South African boyfriend for your daughter!!! Merry Xmas! You are the most awesome blogger EVER! I simply heart you!

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  9. I don’t comment often but I read your posts all the time. Thanks for the smiles and funny weblinks. I hope you have on your list to continue to make people smile…cause you do.

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  10. Thanks for the laugh, as always, Remy. This has been one hell of a crazy year for both of us! I can’t tell you how glad I am our paths crossed when they did. I’d apologize for making you a diabetic ferret, but it wouldn’t be sincere. Cuz that shit was funny. ;) One of my goals for 2013 is to keep in touch with you and Lexie better. I didn’t enjoy dropping off the face of the earth. I’ve missed you, buddy! Hopefully this next year I’ll get a handle on this author gig. ;) Have a Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!!! (But you still owe me a text.)

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  11. Merry Christmas Matador, I am so glad Kate sent me to your post. I think your funny and make me laugh, but at the same time when you have something important to say I always agree with you. I love your a big bang theory fan. And are birthdays are by each other we have same warp sence of humor. I wish a great New Year and look forward to the laughs to come.

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  12. Thank you for the joy & laughter you bring into our lives RM!

    I gotta say though…blindfolding Lexi & dropping her off somwhere may cause problems for your goal to invent a new sexual position. Sorry to ruin your goal, I’m just trying to look out for you!

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  13. Good list, Romance Man. I especially like discovering and naming a planet Bob. And raising money for Ovarian Cancer – I am so down with that. Thanks for the laughs and the thought provoking posts over the last year – you gave me much to think about, and posted some pictures on Twitter that I wish I had never seen. Merry Christmas to you and your family!

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  14. Beautifully said Remy. I must say that I am so thankful that I stumbled across your blog. You have become my go-to site for when I am down and need a little laughter. You have also written some very poignant pieces that I have found inspiring in times of self-doubt. So thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, humor, and writing with us. I know it is time consuming but I know I appreciate it.

    I hope you have a wonderful holiday and new year.

    And just remember, when it comes to dropping Lexie off and letting her find her own way home, the payback may be much, much worse than the enjoyment you get from fulfilling that wish. I am sure she would employ your daughter in any revenge scheme. :)

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  15. RM: you have a good list and if you can manage one-quarter of the list…..you’ll be doing just fine. It’s good to have goals…..and be flexible with them.
    If nothing else you are a wise man in that you put your family first because you know the value of loving and being loved.
    Thank you for putting your thoughts out there for us, in this blog.
    Happy Holidays to you, your wife, your kids, and everyone who reads this blog.

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  16. Great list, everyone loves you, blah blah blah. I don’t care about the theft. You eat grapes without washing them? That is so nasty. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.

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  18. Very well said. I always look forward to reading your blog. You never fail to make me laugh. Fabulous to do list! Merry Christmas and looking forward to reading more in 2013. :-D

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  19. RM thanks for the laughs this year! I have honestly looked forward to each and every one of your posts; the laugh so hard I pee myself, the hysterical, the good, the bad and the ugly. I laughed, I cried, I shared! I learned new cuss words, new positions and how not to smother my husband. Your a hell of a guy RM and I am glad you ended up in my virtual world.Good luck with that entertaining list of yours, please share as they are accomplished, I am quite certain they will be blog worthy. From my family to yours RM, may you all have a happy and safe holiday season!

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  20. I am thankful I found your blog, you have brought so much to my life from your whit and humor.
    You helped me through some really dark days
    You facilitated me meeting some great people
    You suggested some really great books for me to read
    You made me laugh
    You made me cry
    You irked me
    You challenged me to really think about something before I started half &*^
    You helped me find a hobby so outside my comfort zone that it relaxes me
    You gave me confidence to try things I haven’t before – for which the Hubs thanks you :)
    You have inspired me to make a list of what I want to accomplish in 2013.
    For everything Thank you – 2012 is ending in such a better place than when it began.
    Spend time with Dad, the girls, Lexie and everyone you love – its about time and love not presents. Please tell Lexie I wish her the best Christmas ever – I miss her. Merry Christmas!

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  21. I like to think that having gotten to know each other, we have grown as human beans. You crack me up, brother and I thank you for the laughs. I believe in your possibilities to be a great writer so keep at it. And it’s good to have dreams and goals so I like your list. My son helps little old ladies cross streets. My other has protected challenged kids at the playground. They are real heroes to me. Merry Christmas,dear Romance Man and Lexie and the girls. Thanks for sharing a slice of your life.

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  22. I am glad I stumbled onto this blog. You have made me laugh, cry and scratch my head in confusion. I have also found many new authors, and as some who reads A LOT this was good. I hope next year is a great year for you and your family.

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  23. I’m so glad that I found your blog. You let us be braless and let it all hang out. :-)
    Thanks to you I have gotten to meet a great bunch of ladies that I am proud to call friends.
    You bring laughter, deep thinking, tears, and the best off the wall humor for us to share in. Thank you.
    I wish you and Lexie and the girls a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

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  24. Oh RM, you’re such a sweetie. Thanks for all the laughs this year. Looking forward to many more in 2013. Wishing you and yours (family and followers) a very merry Christmas and a New Year of health, happiness and peace.

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  25. I agree with everyone else – the new sexual position may be difficult to create if you leave Lexie somewhere. Unless the new position has anything to do with creating with a concussion!

    Thanks for the wishes and all the best to you and yours in 2013. I keep thinking that this time last year we all didn’t know each other. Now, I cannot imagine not talking to these wonderful ladies on this blog. Love to all this Christmas!

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  26. I want to read more blogs by RM so I can laugh my fat ass off and slim it down a bit.

    I want Lexie to publish that book she’s working on with or without your help.

    I want your girls to enjoy having such a wonderful, sensitive and aware father.

    I want all the fantastic women on this blog to enjoy life, laugh a lot and hopefully have lots of great sex. (If only that would happen to me *sigh*).

    Lastly, I want that damn amaryllis that I babied all summer and gave the requisite cool spell in the basement and brought up to bloom for Christmas…. to at least show some damn green.

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  27. Rain is fine, but watch out for lightning on the beach. And sharks. And jellyfish. Jellyfish draw sharks, you know. Watch out for hermit crabs, too. Hermit crabs are the unrespected true nightmares of the beach. They just love to find an unused orifice, and make it home.

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    • Yep, Jellyfish make a massive effort to draw sharks, and the damn things have no appreciation for the finished product, none at all, it is proof that art critics are directly related to sharks……

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    • :O I hate hermit crabs! My brother got a couple when we were kids in FL for a family vacation. One of them got out during the 25 hour drive home in the family station wagon. He tortured me the entire time by walking his fingers up my neck. That was probably 25 years ago & the thought still sends chills down my spine. Definitely watch out for those damn hermit crabs RM!

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  28. That’s a mighty fine list you got there. I’m glad that someone on twitter retweeted your blog post and got me hooked on to your blog. Your stories usually brighten my day. I’m going to aim to stay the same. I’m going to aim to try get healthy in the next year. I’m going to try to learn to love Montana. After all we are here for at least 6 years.

    Thanks RM

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  29. Gosh, thats a long to do list for the new year.

    I haven’t even considered 2013 yet. I’m waiting to see if we are all here on Dec 22 :grin:

    I appreciate your presence in my life in 2012. It has made a difference to me.

    Rain on the beach is awesome. I’m surprised you haven’t done that yet.

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  30. You just make me happy. I wish you all the things on your list, but I think you should go for 3 new sex positions…comedy is best in threes!!! I hope your holiday with your family is beautiful and I hope you truly understand what you are doing for others. You rock!

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  31. Thank you, Mr. Matador. I hope you get all you want for the next year, except for convincing your wife about the young, hot sister wife; my husband could get some ideas, and I’m not as understanding as Mrs. Lexie. Deseo que pases una feliz Navidad y tengas un muy feliz 2013, en unión con tu familia. :)

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  32. Well sounds like you have ambitious year ahead of you. I hope you achieve all your goals. Except for the blind folding your wife thing. You might want to rethink that. Thank you for your wonderful blog and for giving us all a seat at the table. As long as you keep writing I’m pretty sure we’ll be along for the ride. Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas

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  33. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, RM. Thanks for the laughs and insight you have provided for all of us this year. I am so glad Kate Douglas turned me on to your blog. I am also very glad that I got off my ass and started my own blog.
    Thank you for not being one of those stupid people (you and I know who they are).
    Eat a cookie and leave Santa a candy cane instead.

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  34. Sitting on a beach in a rainstorm combines two of the things I hate-sand and rain. And sand and rain combined? A nightmare. Of course to each his own :) .

    Your blog was a great addition to my life RM so glad I found you early on so i only had a few posts to back read. Have made some great wonderful friends. The women who follow you are all fab! And intelligent and witty and funny!

    Lots of hugs to Lexie!

    Have a great Xmas with Lexie and the girls and a 2013 where all your wishes come true.

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  35. I just discovered Big Bang Theory last month: my son-in-law is crazy close to Sheldon…
    Your Blog AKA My lifesaver: just want to tell you that Jessica Scott unknowingly pointed me in your direction back in Feb–I had just lost my husband to liver cancer in Jan and was barely able to get thru each day..
    Between the redo on the interior of my house and the snark and serious comments I read every day, RM, I made it to this point in time–with my heart whole and my sanity reasserting itself. It meant a heck of a lot to me to lurk, listen, snort coffee out my nose from a good belly laugh after crackin’up over the comments in your blog.
    Every entry, (especially the Waldo story and the many amazing names for man and woman parts) put my face muscles on notice that here,online, on my phone, was another reason to smile…
    Thanks to you, Lexie, your crackerjack daughters and to all the ladies and guys that tossed the conversation back and forth–it makes every day that much brighter for me…Happy Xmas and Merry New Year to you and yours!!! Looks like I’ll be sticking around to read more, RM!
    P.S.–Angry Birds and I have a love/hate relationship–mostly love, when I win, then A REALLY STRONG URGE to throw my pad across the room when I lose-
    But I always stop in time…

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  36. I hope all your wishes come true RM, I have to say the Airport luggage thingie…have ALWAYS wanted to do this!!

    Thank you for all the laughs, sarcasm and all the valuable lessons and knowledge I have now learnt. You truly are a multi-talented caped crusader!!

    I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy & Healthy 2013!!

    By the way how cool is today’s date!! 20.12.2012 !!

    Hugs xxx

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  37. You forgot one on your list: i want to believe that capital letters and punctuation are a bloggers best friends

    (Notice, I wrote that in your wonderful, original, to hell with the grammar police style.)

    Seriously, dude, in spite of all the times I yank your chain, DON’T ever change your writing style or your voice. You are an artist, and a sculptor of great blogs. In fact, you are the Michelangelo of bloggers! (You are welcome in advance because we all know how sexy you think artists are!)

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  38. Great Post RM, but I think you have already accomplished something on your list. Doing something something nice for someone without them realizing it. Well I think you have, your blog RM. It has brought a smile to my face every time I read a post. You’ve made me laugh and for that I cant thank you enough! Merry Christmas Matador!!!

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  39. That’s a pretty awesome list! I hope I can come up with something that good, I may have to borrow a few of yours. ;)

    It’s been a crazy year filled with some amazing moments and some really scary moments. I want to thank you though, because of you, I found laughter and joy on days when I didn’t think anything could make me laugh…you always did. I’ve also met some amazing women through your blog that I’m proud to call friends. <3

    I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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  40. Great post once again, RM. In the last year, I had decided to stay away from people who were bringing me down and my life has been better for it. They’re confused by my attitude and believe it has to do with me getting published. Maybe so, but not in the way they think. It gave me the confidence to not put up with their crap anymore. I know my hubby is proud of me for telling them to fuck off.

    With that note…Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! 2013 is going to be wonderful!

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  41. If you have done anything, you have created a community, RM, and that is probably the most valuable thing you have done. It is a place where we can laugh, cry, call each other names, but do so in the right way (i.e not take it personally), and to share a corner of our lives. It is obvious you have the proper perspective on life, you obviously love your wife and family and put them above everything else, as it should, but this place is special, too……

    As far as your goals, most of them are okay, except the one about blindfolding your wife and then having her find her way home. Dude, haven’t you ever seen those direct tv ads? Like the one “you get frustrated at your cable service, so you go blow off steam playing squash, your eye gets injured so you have to wear an eye patch, goons see you in an eye patch and think you are tough, and you end up in a ditch..”. In your case it would be “You leave your wife blindfolded away from home…she starts making her way home, when she is picked up by a guy called EZ on a bad ass harley…..soon the woman you used to call Lexi is called EZ’s bitch, has nipple rings , a dozen tattoos and likes to wear leather mini skirts to church with no underwear……*lol* (I have been reading far too many online erotic story sites for my own good!)

    I am glad you decided not to comment on the connecticut shooting, I struggle with my emotions on this as well and that isn’t good, because that can lead to really bad outcomes, and we don’t need shit piled on top of horror at this point, all I can say is we probably are sharing a lot of tough emotions with others on this group…..and all we can do is grieve, look at this as a further excuse to love our kids and all kids more, and hope for a better future:).

    Have a Merry Christmas, a happy New year and may 2013 bring the craziness of this group into my home and life, and give Lexi and the kids a big hug from myself. In my case, I have a lot to be thankful for, I have time off from work after 3 months of hell, our son is away for more then a few days, so we actually have time to try and remember who ties up whom and why when we were young we used to have shit eating grins on our faces:).

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  42. I just found your blog recently and it has become one of my favorite things right up there with cakewrecks.com! Thanks for making my day so many times and when senseless things happen to us all such as SandyHook or personally , things like you and your blog become that much more important. Sometimes there isn’t a lot to laugh at out there and love and laughter are 2 of the things that make being alive worth while. Hope that next year will be better for us all and that I can depend on you to make it a little brighter.

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  45. It’s good to have goals but just like Santa you might want to check that twice. I don’t think Lexie would approve of some of those.

    Merry Christmas

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  46. That’s a great list, Matador, I hope you achieve it. However I would stay away from infomercials, they lie. The set of knives I bought didn’t last forever, and didn’t cut through watermelon in one swipe. It was very disappointed.

    I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings you everything you asked for.

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  48. Can I be a part of your study on how useless studies are? You don’t even have to pay me!
    I love this.
    Oh, and I, too, eat unwashed fruit. I am aware that I’m probably consuming massive amounts of pesticides, but I figure it boosts my immune system.
    Merry Christmas, RM. I hope you have a great holiday season.

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  49. Discovering your blog was one of the highlights of my online life! Enjoyed both your writing and that of some of the authors you introduced me to.
    Maybe 2013 will bring us a Patriots/Cowboys Superbowl! Have a lovely holiday!

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