I look forward to the weekends. It’s a chance to relax and watch football and swim in the pool with the girls but this weekend has sucked so far. Thursday night my wife told me we were going to a Fair on Saturday which I was happy about because I like the games at Fair’s, I always win a stuffed animal. Sometimes it takes me a while and costs me fifty bucks but I win dammit and force those carnies to hand over a five dollar stuffed animal. Anyway I wake up Friday morning, open my eyes and look at Lexie and she say’s “You’re an asshole”. It turns out she had a dream that I cheated on her and was mad at me, so I spent the rest of the day listening to things like “you’re a pig”, “if you ever cheat I will cut your fucking dick off”.
It doesn’t matter that I have never and will never cheat on my wife and it doesn’t matter that it was just a dream she still got mad because, well, she is crazy. By the time Friday night came around she wasn’t mad anymore. We put the kids to bed and got in bed ourselves and watched TV and eventually went to sleep.
Now my wife is a perpetual decorator. When October 1st rolls around she starts putting up Halloween decorations and adds to it every day until Halloween. Well her latest decorative purchase is a witch doll and not a little witch doll but one that is about three feet tall. Apparently Friday night before bed she couldn’t decide where to put the witch so she left it in the kitchen. In the middle of the night I got up to get a glass of water and out of the corner of my eye saw this fucking witch that looked like one of those creepy little kids you see in a horror movie and it scared the shit out of me. I learned something about myself: I will defend my family to the death unless it is against a demonic child because I was getting ready to run out of the house and let my wife and daughters deal with the evil little bastard.
Common sense got the better of me and I turned the light on and saw what it was and I got an idea. I picked up the witch and brought it into my bedroom and put it next to Lexie’s night stand so that it was inches from her face, then I went to sleep.
About 6:30 am I woke to a scream with Lexie trying to crawl over me while yelling “how did that get in here”? That’s the funny part, it never occurred to her that I put it there and she couldn’t figure how it got there. My laugh gave it away and she of course was mad at me again.
So the time comes and we pack of the kids and head to the Fair, the fucking CRAFT Fair. I got out of the car and looked around and then looked at Lexie and she said “Ha Ha dickhead”. So I just spent four hours looking at painted sea shells and homemade key chains and wood carvings of ex-presidents, I’m going to go watch some football.
So ladies, who has the sexier accent, New Zealand men, Australian men, British men or South African men?