We are finally settled into the new house. The other night I was lying in bed with Lexie and she asked me if the new house felt like home and I thought it would be a good opportunity to be romantic and said “you are my home”. She of course started laughing and called me an idiot.
Anyway we fell asleep and a few hours later were woken up by a loud beeping noise and a female automated voice screaming “FIRE, FIRE”. I didn’t know this but apparently they found that children will sleep through an alarm but a female voice screaming at them that they are about to die will wake them up.
My wife and I jumped out of bed half asleep and I looked out of the bedroom and saw a large orange glow coming from the dining room and thought “Goddamnit my fuckin’ house is on fire”. My wife and I had two distinct and very different reactions to the fire: I immediately ran to get the fire extinguisher to put the fire out thinking if I put the fire out everything will be ok. Lexie’s response was to get the kids and get the fuck out of the house and watch her dumbass husband burn to death while trying to act like hero.
So she gets the kids and goes out the back door to the back yard and I get the fire extinguisher from the garage and start heading toward the dining room prepared to battle the fire and save my family even though they were already safe. I got to the dining room and stood there naked with the fire hose surrounded by the orange glow of fucking Halloween decorations. That’s right my wife had put up Halloween decorations that look an awful lot like flames when you are half asleep and have a robotic woman yelling at you. Anyway it was a defective alarm and the builder replaced it the next day. The moral of the story: sleep with clothes on or you may scar your daughters for life.
So I am the only one who blows up rubber gloves into balloons while waiting in the Dr.’s office?