An unexpected thing has happened since I started this blog. My wife has made friends with a lot of the women who come on the site. At first I thought it was really cool but it has turned out to be a disaster because one the women she has become friends with is Ladybug. Ladybug is very smart and has a degree in microbiology (I think) and for a while she was a cheese inspector. Well Ladybug has taken it upon herself to teach my wife about all things cheese as well as other food. Now all of a sudden the things I love like Velveeta and Cheese Wiz have been removed from my house and replaced with actual cheese.
She has also convinced my wife to paint the house purple and buy a purple blanket for our bed. This sucks.
To make matters worse Ladybug is one of those annoying types who is into organic food and has convinced my wife that we should eat this way as well. I don’t want to do this I like the taste of chemicals and preservatives and all the other stuff they put in our food. I don’t care about being healthy. Anyway this new friendship led to a conversation I never in a million years thought I would have. I was in my office the other day and Lexie walked in:
Her: Do you want to buy 33% of a cow?
Her: We are going to start eating organic meat and I found a place where you can buy part of a cow and when he is grown they kill him and give you part of the meat.
Me: Did you seriously just ask me if I want to buy part of a cow?
Me: First cows are females and I don’t think they slaughter them, they use them for milk. What kind of fucking farmer is this that he kills his cows?
Her: Maybe it’s the male equivalent then I don’t know do you want to do it or not?
Me: The male equivalent is a steer I think and I don’t know. What 33% do we get?
Me: 33% could be anything. They could kill the steer and send us his head and legs and dick.
Her: You’re an idiot they aren’t going to do that.
Me: How do you know? Ok I’ll do it but only if I can kill it myself and make sure we get the good meat.
Her: (Laughing) I’d like to see that. I’m buying the cow.
Me: It’s not a cow!
Her: Whatever I’m buying the steer.
Me: Can I go over there with a sharpie and outline the 33% I want?
Her: Sure go ahead.
Me: Wait. Why can’t we buy the whole steer so that way we can name him and take the kids to see him?
Her: You’re not funny.
Me: Yes I am.
Her: No you’re not I’m buying the steer.
I am now the proud owner of a steer and 33% of him is named Buster.
So do any of you own 33% of an animal?