I am not calling this feature fan fiction anymore because that really isn’t what it is – it’s more of a spoof on a particular scene in a book. This week it is on Del Dryden’s book The Theory of Attraction. It’s a really good book and I reviewed it a few months ago. You can click on the link at the bottom of the page and read my review as well as buy her book. It is definitely worth it, Del has a very smooth writing style and the story moves quickly. Anyway in the book the hero is a genius who has a hard time relating to people and BDSM is his way of relating to women. There is a scene in the book when the hero is explaining his expectations to the heroine when it comes to sex.
The first thing she has to do is take her clothes off and assume the “present” position which means lying on the floor on her stomach with her knees pulled to her chest to present her ass and vagina for inspection. This scene is the first time the heroine assumes the position for inspection.
Sheldon: Present.
Penny takes off her clothes and lies on the floor with her ass in the air. Sheldon walks behind her, looks for a moment and says: “Ok get dressed”.
Penny: Huh? I thought we were going to have sex?
Sheldon: We can’t you failed inspection.
Penny: What? How did I fail inspection? What’s wrong with me?
Sheldon: You’re asshole needs to be waxed, it’s really hairy.
Penny: WHAT? OMG are you serious? It is not hairy!
Sheldon: Yes it is, it looks like a Chia Pet.
Penny: OMG this is so embarrassing it does not!
Sheldon: I’m afraid so. You need to go get that fixed and meet me back here tomorrow and we will try again. I don’t think a wax will do it though – you may need a weed wacker.
Penny: Oh.My.God! It can’t be that -
Sheldon: Don’t argue with the Matador Penny.
Penny goes and gets a full Brazilian wax and meets Sheldon the next day.
Sheldon: Present.
Penny assumes the position and Sheldon walks behind her as he carefully looks her over.
Sheldon: Ok get dressed.
Penny: I failed again?
Sheldon: Yes, you have a hemorrhoid that is grossing me out and needs to be fixed.
Penny: OMG I am so embarrassed! Are you serious?
Sheldon: Yes. Here is some Preparation H. Call me when your hemorrhoid is gone.
Penny calls a few weeks later and meets Sheldon and assumes the position.
Sheldon: Ok get dressed.
Penny: What now!?
Sheldon: Penny what kind of toilette paper do you use?
Penny: Northern why?
Sheldon: Because it’s not doing the job that’s why.
Penny: This is so humiliating. I can’t believe this.
Penny goes and takes a shower and comes back.
Sheldon: Your asshole looks much better Penny – good girl. Now roll on your back and grab you ankles and pull them to your ears so I can get a good look at your vagussy.
Penny rolls on her back and does what she is told as Sheldon begins his inspection.
Penny: Is that a magnifying glass?
Sheldon: SILENCE! You don’t speak unless the matador tells you to speak!
Sheldon continues with his inspection by inserting a finger into her vagussy. He leaves for a moment and walks over to his desk.
Penny: OMG are you taking notes?
Sheldon: I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN. SILENCE.
Sheldon: Penny do you have good peripheral vision?
Penny: I guess so why?
Sheldon: Just wondering.
Two hours later Sheldon is done with the inspection.
Sheldon: Ok get dressed and meet me in the living room.
Penny: I failed again? What is it now?
Sheldon: Just get dressed and we will go downstairs and talk about it.
Penny gets dresses and goes to the living room where Sheldon is sitting on the couch and sits next to him.
Sheldon: As you guessed you failed inspection again. Here is a list of things that are wrong with you that need to be fixed before we can have sex as he hands her several sheets of paper.
Penny looks at the heading of paper “THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH YOU”: OMG all of these things are wrong with me?
Sheldon: No. There is a lot more wrong with you than that – those are just the ones that need to be fixed right away.
Penny begins reading the list: OMG my vagussy is too loose?
Sheldon: Yes it’s humongous.
Penny: Really? Why? I don’t understand why it would be so big.
Sheldon: I don’t know but you could smuggle people across the border in there. You need to do Kegal exercises.
Penny looks back down at the list: Ok are you serious with this one? My second toe is longer than my big toe. Seriously.
Sheldon: Yes that is a trait serial killers have and it’s weird. You need to fix it.
Penny still gazing at the list: My left nipple is off center.
Sheldon: Yes it is two centimeters too far right. When I look at your tits it’s like looking at a person with lazy eye.
Penny: I can’t believe this. Wait. What does this mean? Get a tattoo of an eyeball on each one of my ass cheeks? Why?
Sheldon: I like getting oral sex but I can’t get it from you because it would be too distracting so if you get those tattoos then when I am behind you having sex I can look down and see those eyes and pretend I am getting a blow job.
Penny: Wait. What? Why can’t I just give you a blow job?
Sheldon: Because it is too distracting.
Penny: What is distracting?
Sheldon: Read number 57.
Penny looks at the paper: OMG MY EYES ARE TOO FAR APART?!
Sheldon: Yes. They are almost on the side of your head.
Penny: They are not! I can’t believe you are saying this! Wait is that why you asked me if I have good peripheral vision?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: You are making me feel bad about myself. I don’t think I want to do this anymore.
Sheldon: Penny it is only natural for someone with so many flaws to feel that way but I can help you like I help all of my sub missives. I have the best plastic surgeon in the world and I will cover the costs. He even specializes in people with fish eyes.
Penny: FISH EYES!?
Sheldon: Yes and he can fix number 62 as well.
Penny looks at the paper: My butt crack is too long?
Sheldon: Penny these are minor things and when you are done you will look just like a normal person and we can resume our relationship.
Del’s book is really awesome and you can buy it here. http://theromanceman.com/2012/05/14/the-theory-of-attraction-by-delphine-dryden/
Oh my
You can say that again!
Lol OMG I would tell him to bite me and leave.
I would bite him and leave lol
I like that Beck lol
I have it just have not read it yet
What!!! My second toe is longer than my big toe!! I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER! :scary!
I think you may have crossed the line with this one El Matodor, the BBL could get angry! It is pretty funny though!
Why so Pat?
I guess I was transposing Matadors thoughts, with your thoughts….sorry..can’t imagine what I was thinking……..
As long as your ears aren’t placed below your eyes, you’re okay, Pat. Apparently, low sitting ears are another sign of serial killers. LOL
Very true
Pat, my second toe is much longer than my big toe, too. I am also not a serial killer. I swear.
Prove it
Thank you Elisabeth, and Selena, I think my ears are in the right place.
RM, how do we prove we’re not serial killers?
Ugh – proving a negative is just impossible. We can point to all the circumstantial evidence, though.
Such as
OMFG! You’re too much, RM! Definitely my laugh for the day.
I haven’t read Delphine’s book, but I will now. Your version still has me laughing
)
You’ll like it Becki, great book
You had to use the word matador. OMG! You are to much at times.
Yes I did
Yup, I was right. I did laugh so hard, I almost peed and cried. And now the BBLs will be either doing contortionistic feats trying to judge their intimate areas or pulling husbands away from football for the samw kind of inspection.
LOL
Sigh I meant same
That was too funny, RM. I think every author should be parodied by you. Dear Lord, it’s like getting Roasted on Comedy Central or something. Could you invite charlie sheen? Or Channing Tatum.
Wait, wait, I know…your very favorite person, Tim Tebow. ;p
I would love to roast Tebow. He is about to get cut you know
Yeah, i saw a picture of him the other day. He really has been working out and it shows. Cut, indeed.
*snort*
Isn’t that going to hurt at his age? Wouldn’t his parents have done it when he was a baby?
LOLOLOL! Too funny, Selena!
Wait a minute! I had no idea that Tebow was about to be cut.
Matador? Hmmmm……..this came after you read the book? Now we must read the book to gain some insight into a certain RMs thinking……
I’ll go get it. Thx RM.
You’ll love it
LOL thats was fantastic, RM! I think my favourite of her flaws were the lazy nipple and the over-long ass crack!
I have this book on my kindle already, will be bumping it to the top of my TBR list
You’ll really like it Sheri
O.M.G. in NEON LIGHTS!
I just finished frosting the chocolate, peanut butter brownies when I decided to get online.
I COULD NOT lick the spoon after this post.
Your parody is hysterical and the book sounds interesting, although I don’t read BDSM, I do love a nerdy hero, so I’ll have to give it a try.
You can parody my book any time, although, my sex scene is so vanilla and my heroine would probably kick you in the head if you tried to boss her around. LOL
Again. O.M. FREAKIN’ G. I can’t believe these thoughts go through your head. What am I thinking? Of course they do, you’re the Matador. LOL
If You like nerds you will love this book. You’ll like it anyway actually it’s really good
Is it BDSM like Amber Lin’s, where it’s not so blatant, or is it more graphic?
Do I have to stay away from chocolate frosting while reading? LOL LOL I can’t get that visual out of my head!
Chia pet. LOL LOL
Weed wacker. LOL LOL
My dog thinks I’ve lost my mind, I’m still laughing.
No it isn’t like Amber Lin’s because that wasn’t really BDSM but the BDSM works really well for the story. You’ll like it simply because it is very interesting
I bought it and put it on my TBR list. My Kindle is getting a workout lately. LOL
OH MY WORD! And to use those names.
http://youtu.be/Hj-xmcpPP8g
Made me laugh…which made my day. WTG RM!
That was a funny scene and any woman who has had to endure waxing can relate. Although, I didn’t find the movie as a whole very funny.
Thanks Bobbi
I loved that book!
Me too
I find it interesting that Matador had so many excuses not to *ahem* perform any dominating duties. Mayhap someone should check his own chiapet and measure his cucumber?
Damn you noticed that
LOL Cris, the cucumber has made its way over here in the public domain. I agree, El Matador was using that list as an excuse, good catch.
Agree it’s a great book but the parody is genius, thank you! Of course now I won’t ever be able to watch a Big Bang episode without thinking of it
Thanks Jenni
I really like this book, but I have to say that I am a little freaked out by your post. Two days ago, I had a text conversation with Zombie Killer in which I dismissed her opinion that Ivan reminded her of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. I tried to tell her that Sheldon is one of those completely asexual beings that would one day just bud or spore to reproduce and that he would never have sex much less enjoy BDSM. Now you use Sheldon in this parody. First pickles, now this. I don’t know if I can talk to you right now.
By the way, where was the question at the end? The answer is Jelly Bellies– all other jelly beans suck
.
Good point I forgot the question. The questions is :What are Jellie Bellies”
Jelly Bellies world’s best jelly beans (except the buttered popcorn flavor). I can’t believe you have kids and don’t know about them. They probably have a pickle flavor.
Are jelly bellies the pork bellies of bacon? I don’t like jelly beans, which is why I probably have no clue what a jelly belly is.
No, Selena. As far as I know Jelly Bellies and pork bellies are totally unrelated
. I love bacon, but I really like to keep my pork products and candy separate.
ladybug, you should try the awesome Voodoo donut called the bacon maple bar that has bacon on top. Sometimes pork and donuts can go hand in hand. Lol!:D
I’ve never cared for them either, but Jelly Bellies are pretty good. All flavors. Even came out with the (gag) flavors from Harry Potter.
I think Pork Belly is Pork Rinds? Those fried puffy things.
That donut does sound pretty good. The thought of combining donuts and bacon doesn’t seem as morally wrong as candy and bacon. Maybe it is because they are both breakfast foods
.
Here is the link to the Jelly Belly factory by my house. They are the best.
http://www.jellybelly.com/visit_jelly_belly/wisconsin_warehouse_index.aspx
Granny, there’s one not far from us as well, in Fairfield, CA. Big factory! http://www.jellybelly.com/visit_jelly_belly/california_factory_index.aspx
Ladybug, I cannot imagine Sheldon from BigBangTheory ever having sex! He is way to germophobic
He would have to wear a total body condom 
My thoughts exactly, LG.
At first I was thinking of Sheldon’s girlfriend (who is the PhD) but I don’t remember her name. Then I realized Penny is the cute dumb (not) blonde
Now every time I see that show I will be thinking of Sheldon tying up Penny naked
I can’t remember her name either
Amy Farrah Fowler, duh!
For the record, LG, the “duh” was for RM not you
Man, you have ruined the whole BDSM scene for me now
To think of a Dom scrutinizing his sub like that 
FYI readers, the real story by Delphine stopped right after he said “present” .
Her book is really great, and I recommend it even if you’re not into BDSM b/c it is so well done; and the nerd really needs the structure to any kind of sex life at all
It’s just a joke LG calm down
Oh it was very funny, but eeewwwww!!!!
I now will never say the word “present” when in a meeting and they are taking attendance.
@ Selena, I thought it was “present” as in present yourself to someone, not ‘present’ as in a gift, or in attendance?
Can anyone shed some light on this??
You are correct. “
Thanks, for clearing that up for me, ladies. As you can see, I’m a BDSM virgin when it comes to the BDSM speak.
LOL, hahahahahahahaha, jajajajajajajajajaja…
Oh my! oh, you made me laugh.
Que risa!
I would tell the man what he could do with his lists.
BDSM is not my cup of tea.
it is down right scary how you brain works…that is all I can type
This made me lmao! It also reminded me of another book I read. Can’t remember the name. When she had presented herself to him and she wasn’t shaved to his liking, he used tweezers to remove the remaining hair.
I would have kicked him in the balls and then while he was down, shave his balls!
crazygranny, you are definitely not a submissive
What’s wrong with tweezing your pubic hair? It’s supposed to come in softer than shaving stubble.
ouch!
Really?
I know you would have Granny
I actually have already picked this book up to read…. just haven’t done it yet.
Your parady is JUST GROSS!!! IJS
Do you actually call your Weed Eater a Weed Wacker?
Yes
Good Lord, RM. Personally, methinks he doth protest too much.
S’matter? He got performance anxiety?
yes
Funny as always! I was just telling friends yesterday about this book. i enjoyed it but I kept picturing Ivan as a cross between Sheldon and Christian Grey which gave me a headache.
ROFL! *dies*
It’s so nice to see your face instead of a vagina
Holy shit, I’m pretty sure I my kids think I’ve lost it. I spat my tea across the room and nearly choked to death reading this. They keep asking what happened as tears poured down my face. I couldn’t tell them for fear of them hunting you down to pay for the life long therapy they would surely need.
I will never have sex in the daylight or with the lights on ever again and absolutely NO magnifying devises will be allowed in the house.
Thank you RM, I thnk you scare me a little but have to say I love your how your mind works
Thanks Renee
OMG, the peripheral vision thing made me laugh my ass off. Nice job, Remy.
I loved Del’s book! The scene on the way to the movie theater is when all the tinglies started for me. LOVED him. Major RAWR!
Her book is awesome
This. Is. Awesome.
I laughed my ass off.
Thanks Sallie
What kind of toilet paper do you use? You could smuggle people across the border in there? LMAO! This is totally classic. Absolutely loved it. This book is already on my Kindle but I’m thinking it just moved up my TBR list. Thanks for the laugh
You will like it Steph
You didnt sell this book to me. If a man needs to insult in order to dominate forget it.
Trudy, you know this isn’t actually in the book, right? It’s a parody of one scene, from the mind of “Matador”
I haven’t read the book yet but I’m sure the actual scene plays out very differently!
Yeah i know. The matador failed to tempt me on this one..
Trudy it’s a joke. The book is great and the hero is in no way insulting
We you really up at 3:48 AM – No wonder you have a couch in your new office
Damn that was suppose to be
Were you really up at 3:48…I am getting spell check spoiled
you’ve made me totally paranoid about having to wax down thare. i’m not a hairy person but now i’m self conscious. if i had to present i might wet myself like a nervous puppy. you’ve got me wrecked now
OMG. *giggle *giggle *giggle *giggle *choke *cough *cough *cough *asthma attack*
Thanks for that.
No, really, that was hilarious. Don’t listen to my lungs; they have issues.
On a serious note, I loved everything about The Theory of Attraction – except the BDSM. I thought that Ms. Dryden’s writing was amazing. The submission just hit too close to a lot of my working-on-it-in-therapy issues. I hope she writes something non-BDSM in the future, as I’d love to read it!
Thanks Erin
Okay…this one went well beyond my acceptable gross-out factor. Yes, I’m admitting that there are some visuals that I really don’t need, and the one of RM sitting at his computer TYPING this was just more than I can take.
RM, where DOES your mind go in your off hours? M’thinks it’s a scary, scary place. But yes, loved this and just liked it so all my Facebook friends will know what kind of guys I hang out with in MY off hours! Good job, m’dear!
I didn’t think it was possible to go beyond your gross out factor
I’m with you Kate, all those visuals of Vagussy etc are kind of OOGY!!
Really?? Generally I’m speechless and without a means to cope. I thought this was hilarious.
Amazing how different people can be.
RM: I went back and read your parody again. Seriously…..Mr. Matador (I’m showing respect here)……you’re a talented writer and finding your niche in writing is a journey not to be missed. It’s all about the journey we take to get where we think we should be. What would the fun be in having it handed to you without the struggle?
Note: I put my real name next to the Skeletor name (which you pretty much gave my icon and I liked it) – just so you’d know how sincere I am being in this post. Maybe not the other posts I’ve made but this one is heartfelt.
Thanks Colleen, I appreciate it. Writing is hard and I have a lot of respect for people who can do it well
I would like to point out that the office is not the best place to have read this.
I am still giggling and these people already look at me like I am crazy.
Well done, sir.
Thanks Jessie
OMG!!!!! Is all I’ve got…..lol
How about writing a 50 Shades parody?
I would have to read it first and I don’t want to
Don’t blame you. I only read one page on Amazon, and I just couldn’t read any more.
I read the first chapter! I should have stopped at the first couple pages, Selena!
I would feel sorry for y’all if I hadn’t read TWO books of the series. I am still bitter
.
Someone wrote a whole book parodying 50 Shades. Its on sale at Amazon right now.
I thought you weren’t allowed to do that
Yeah, my brain’s so not wired for BDSM. I know it’s a parody, but even so, Sheldon still pisses me off.
LOL Linda I know what you mean. I knew some people wouldn’t like this but the book is really good and when I read I kept asking myself “what happens if she fails the inspection” so that’s how this came about. It’s just silly.
I forgive you. The Theory of Attraction will be my first bdsm read. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Did you get the one I sent you?
yez boss
i will read it soon
I dont always get online but when I do I try to check out your post, you always make me laugh, your just too funny!!
Thanks Jamie
“When I look at your tits it’s like looking at a person with lazy eye. ”
ROFL!!!
RM: quick note here. I just finished reading it and found it to be quite brilliant. I don’t know how else to put it. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thank you, for the blog and book suggestion.
Cool,glad you enjoyed it
RM, I want you to know that my kids stopped watching Shark Week and almost called 911 because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe & was turning different colors. Chia Pet? Fish eyes? Lazy eye Boobs? OMG! I will be laughing for hours!
Thanks Maria. I love shark week.
the book was well written and an interesting perspective on living with an asberger type personality. but i can’t imagine she wasn’t
black and blue quite a bit. definitely has a niche.
It’s funny because I had a similar reaction
I’m looking forward to starting this book, I’m so curious, especially after the parody.
s – it’s written in first person. tale takes place over a 3 week period. good pacing. author really took a good shot at making bdsm stuff romantic. and that’s got to be a stretch!
I LOVE Big Bang. I was laughing my butt off … you nailed it! Thanks for the laugh!