I am not calling this feature fan fiction anymore because that really isn’t what it is – it’s more of a spoof on a particular scene in a book. This week it is on Del Dryden’s book The Theory of Attraction. It’s a really good book and I reviewed it a few months ago. You can click on the link at the bottom of the page and read my review as well as buy her book. It is definitely worth it, Del has a very smooth writing style and the story moves quickly. Anyway in the book the hero is a genius who has a hard time relating to people and BDSM is his way of relating to women. There is a scene in the book when the hero is explaining his expectations to the heroine when it comes to sex.
The first thing she has to do is take her clothes off and assume the “present” position which means lying on the floor on her stomach with her knees pulled to her chest to present her ass and vagina for inspection. This scene is the first time the heroine assumes the position for inspection.
Penny takes off her clothes and lies on the floor with her ass in the air. Sheldon walks behind her, looks for a moment and says: “Ok get dressed”.
Penny: Huh? I thought we were going to have sex?
Sheldon: We can’t you failed inspection.
Penny: What? How did I fail inspection? What’s wrong with me?
Sheldon: You’re asshole needs to be waxed, it’s really hairy.
Penny: WHAT? OMG are you serious? It is not hairy!
Sheldon: Yes it is, it looks like a Chia Pet.
Penny: OMG this is so embarrassing it does not!
Sheldon: I’m afraid so. You need to go get that fixed and meet me back here tomorrow and we will try again. I don’t think a wax will do it though – you may need a weed wacker.
Penny: Oh.My.God! It can’t be that -
Sheldon: Don’t argue with the Matador Penny.
Penny goes and gets a full Brazilian wax and meets Sheldon the next day.
Penny assumes the position and Sheldon walks behind her as he carefully looks her over.
Sheldon: Ok get dressed.
Penny: I failed again?
Sheldon: Yes, you have a hemorrhoid that is grossing me out and needs to be fixed.
Penny: OMG I am so embarrassed! Are you serious?
Sheldon: Yes. Here is some Preparation H. Call me when your hemorrhoid is gone.
Penny calls a few weeks later and meets Sheldon and assumes the position.
Sheldon: Ok get dressed.
Penny: What now!?
Sheldon: Penny what kind of toilette paper do you use?
Penny: Northern why?
Sheldon: Because it’s not doing the job that’s why.
Penny: This is so humiliating. I can’t believe this.
Penny goes and takes a shower and comes back.
Sheldon: Your asshole looks much better Penny – good girl. Now roll on your back and grab you ankles and pull them to your ears so I can get a good look at your vagussy.
Penny rolls on her back and does what she is told as Sheldon begins his inspection.
Penny: Is that a magnifying glass?
Sheldon: SILENCE! You don’t speak unless the matador tells you to speak!
Sheldon continues with his inspection by inserting a finger into her vagussy. He leaves for a moment and walks over to his desk.
Penny: OMG are you taking notes?
Sheldon: I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN. SILENCE.
Sheldon: Penny do you have good peripheral vision?
Penny: I guess so why?
Sheldon: Just wondering.
Two hours later Sheldon is done with the inspection.
Sheldon: Ok get dressed and meet me in the living room.
Penny: I failed again? What is it now?
Sheldon: Just get dressed and we will go downstairs and talk about it.
Penny gets dresses and goes to the living room where Sheldon is sitting on the couch and sits next to him.
Sheldon: As you guessed you failed inspection again. Here is a list of things that are wrong with you that need to be fixed before we can have sex as he hands her several sheets of paper.
Penny looks at the heading of paper “THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH YOU”: OMG all of these things are wrong with me?
Sheldon: No. There is a lot more wrong with you than that – those are just the ones that need to be fixed right away.
Penny begins reading the list: OMG my vagussy is too loose?
Sheldon: Yes it’s humongous.
Penny: Really? Why? I don’t understand why it would be so big.
Sheldon: I don’t know but you could smuggle people across the border in there. You need to do Kegal exercises.
Penny looks back down at the list: Ok are you serious with this one? My second toe is longer than my big toe. Seriously.
Sheldon: Yes that is a trait serial killers have and it’s weird. You need to fix it.
Penny still gazing at the list: My left nipple is off center.
Sheldon: Yes it is two centimeters too far right. When I look at your tits it’s like looking at a person with lazy eye.
Penny: I can’t believe this. Wait. What does this mean? Get a tattoo of an eyeball on each one of my ass cheeks? Why?
Sheldon: I like getting oral sex but I can’t get it from you because it would be too distracting so if you get those tattoos then when I am behind you having sex I can look down and see those eyes and pretend I am getting a blow job.
Penny: Wait. What? Why can’t I just give you a blow job?
Sheldon: Because it is too distracting.
Penny: What is distracting?
Sheldon: Read number 57.
Penny looks at the paper: OMG MY EYES ARE TOO FAR APART?!
Sheldon: Yes. They are almost on the side of your head.
Penny: They are not! I can’t believe you are saying this! Wait is that why you asked me if I have good peripheral vision?
Penny: You are making me feel bad about myself. I don’t think I want to do this anymore.
Sheldon: Penny it is only natural for someone with so many flaws to feel that way but I can help you like I help all of my sub missives. I have the best plastic surgeon in the world and I will cover the costs. He even specializes in people with fish eyes.
Penny: FISH EYES!?
Sheldon: Yes and he can fix number 62 as well.
Penny looks at the paper: My butt crack is too long?
Sheldon: Penny these are minor things and when you are done you will look just like a normal person and we can resume our relationship.
Del’s book is really awesome and you can buy it here. http://theromanceman.com/2012/05/14/the-theory-of-attraction-by-delphine-dryden/