I suck at talking dirty it just isn’t me. I can easily talk to my wife about sex and what she likes and what feels good but when it comes to having sex I can’t talk dirty because I feel stupid. My wife is the same way and will laugh at me if I try. And when I do try it always comes out dumb like “I want to lick you harder than a fat kid at the county fair trying to get to the center of a tootsie pop” or “I want to fuck you so hard your mom feels it” or “Your vagussy tastes so good it should be on the menu at Olive Garden”.
I want to write a historical romance but one that is really historical. One that takes place 100,000 years ago. I figure the dialogue will be easy but I am having trouble with the plot. I do have a very romantic scene though. The hero discovers fire and cooks a romantic dinner for the heroine consisting of wooly mammoth and peach cobbler. When dinner is done he hits her on the head and drags her to his cave. It’s BDSM.
It’s election season – yay. I hate politics. I believe both parties are corrupt and only care about their own power and I believe there are very few in either party that actually cares about their country. The Republicans want to take away our freedoms in the name of morality and Democrats want to take away our freedoms in the name of fairness. Either way we become less free.
I won’t talk about politics with friends for the most part anymore because they are party hacks and don’t have any original thoughts. They just read their party’s talking points and repeat them and I just wind up getting mad at them, not because of their opinions but because of their complete lack of critical thought. They are just robots who repeat what they read and they only read one side of an issue – the side of their party. In the past I have made the mistake of trying to present a different point of view to these people but it was a waste of time. They have already made up their mind and won’t let little things like facts get in the way so I have given up on that. I still talk to them but not as much because I just can’t suffer fools gladly.
Did you know duck vagina’s are shaped like a corkscrew? Apparently male ducks are really aggressive alpha ducks and they would just walk up behind a female and ram their dick into her so females evolved a corkscrew shaped vagussy to stop this from happening. Of course the males evolved a corkscrew dick but they have to be gentle now and literally screw the females. Now when ever I picture ducks having sex – which is a lot – I picture the male behind her using his wings to turn her over and over until his dick is in.
People keep emailing me asking me why I like turtles so much. It’s very simple: I like anyone who carries his house on his back.
I wear boxer briefs because when I got married that’s what my wife got me and I like them. The other day my wife sent me to Target to get some things and while I was there I figured I would get some new underwear so I did but I bought the wrong kind, I bought just boxers. It’s really fucked up because the package looks just like the boxer brief package. Anyway I got home and realized I bought the wrong kind but figured it was no big deal I would just wear them – well it is a big deal. Boxer briefs are snug and offer support and boxers don’t. With boxer briefs I would tuck my dick to the right one day and to the left the next day because if you tuck your dick to the same side all the time it could permanently point in that direction when you get a chubby. It worked well because I am 42 and when I get a boner it is perfectly straight. Well you can’t do that with boxers and I hate it.
What’s worse is the boxers have a hole on the front so if you have to pee you pull your dick through the hole instead of going through all of the effort to lower your underwear a few inches. The problem is little RM always sticks his head through the hole and I spend the entire day with my hand down my pants pushing him back inside. And when I take my pants off there he is so I can’t even wear them around the house.
I think all cars and airplanes should be made out of Nerf.
Anyway I am still in the process of moving and will be gone a few more days and will see you soon.
So what do you think? Do you think men look good with earrings?
lollollollol I needed a good laugh
Thanks Gwen
Oh RM, you are just too funny. I love your views on so many things. How do you even keep up? It’s like reading ping pong.
Good luck w/ your move and hurry back to the (key)strokes.
Thanks Connie I’ll be back soon
LMAO! I don’t know if I really want all that information. I mean seriously. I guess little RM just wants to come out and play. I hope that you get your underwear situation taken care of.
I’m not a big fan of guys wearing earrings. Hope you have a good day.
Thanks Melody!
OMG!! Hilarious!!! And such insight information! ROTFLMAO!! Had DH read it out loud and we were both cracking up!
Thanks Viv!
Sure. I like men with earrings.
Re: Underwear: Women wear the most uncomfortable crap under their clothes in the name of fashion and looking good to the opposite sex. I have no sympathy for your boxer dilemma.
LOL good point Darlene
Excellent point Darlene. Like the dreaded strapless bra. No matter brand, claim or style, a tugging match made in hell.
Darlene, I agree 100%, which is why this blog’s BBL (braless, bawdy ladies) was born.
Today I learned why my junk is crooked.
Dude you should have known that.
You guys should speak more lovingly about your penes (it’s the plural– I checked
). Why do guys always talk so negatively about their favorite part? “Junk” doesn’t sound very favorable. And some people (I’m not naming names, but his initials are RM) are obsessed with size. How about some positive reinforcement? What are more complimentary terms than “junk”? Use those. And maybe if you start talking about its awe-inspiring grandeur, you wouldn’t think that it is small. Maybe it will even puff up a little with all that praise. Wouldn’t you shrink away if someone referred to you as a synonym for trash?
This excerpt is from Chapter 3: You Upset Your Penis When You Call Him Derogatory Names of my upcoming self-help book.
Penes, ladybug? That its spanish plural.
Isn’t that awesome that the plural is the same in both languages? It is pronounced a little differently in English. It is pee-nees which just cracks me up
.
So what was your excuse for keeping your hand down your pants all the time before you bought the boxers?
That was a medical condition.
It was a mental condition.
Same thing
LOL RM! My son loves his boxers and runs around the house in them. Last night we all got a view of Little Jake that we could’ve lived without. He’s also discovered–in front of his older sister’s friends–that if he swings his hips around, his junk makes a smacking sound on his leg that gets a BIG reaction from his sister and her friends. Not a GOOD reaction, but a BIG reaction. It went something like this, MOM, GET THIS FREAKAZOID WEIRDO OUT OF HERE! Ahhh, good times, and all because of boxers! Have you discovered the leg smacking noise yet?
LOL Yes Marie I discovered that when I was young too. There are lots of ways to be creative with the little guy.
Marie, how old is your son?? That is toooo funny!!!
Hey Marie! Glad to see you here.
RM…. you need to read one of Marie’s books and do a review….Lets see…. maybe Line Of Scrimmage…. The guy played football….. (She has LOTS of good ones!)
I am reading that now
Let us know! I haven’t read a book by her that I did not like.
Haha. And just wait until one of those girls decides to put that little tidbit in his yearbook, years later down the road! I know, for I am the older sister-been there, done that and no siree will NOT be wearing that Tshirt! Even funnier yet, my brother grew up to be a cop. He complains that it’s no fun when he pulls a hottie over, only to discover that it was one of my friends that attended my many slumber parties…and they say “hey, I remember you! Weren’t you the one that . Let’s just say Little Brother now nows how Karma works:) You might want to let your daughter know this when she is dying of embarassment now!
I got up off my deathbed to read this post and it was totally worth it
. I don’t know what it says about me, but I actually did know that about the duck’s vagussy. Here’s another one for you: the male banana slug’s penis is the same size as his body, so he needs to find a female the same size as himself. Otherwise, his penis is too big for her and she chews it off 
. Biology is awesome!
Earrings? Depends on the guy. Some guys look super hot with an earring (or two). Others just look they are going through an awkward stage.
Why are you on your deathbed?
MB gave me his Hungarian donkey flu. But he did make it up to me by making cornbread. I think I may live now.
It is so nice to talk to someone who likes cornbread. That’s how you know if someone is really from the south. I would love the recipe. God that sounded gay.
It isn’t sweet. I hate sweet cornbread– that is cake. I will send you the recipe.
I like cornbread and I’m not from the South!
Cool, thanks. I don’t like it sweet either but I like it moist
See, you can talk dirty!
It was awesome! He is the best cornbread maker EVER. Don’t tell my mom
. Make sure you cook it in a well-seasoned iron skillet.
It is unusual for people in the north to like cornbread. Do you have a recipe too?
“people in the north” What kind of blanket statement is that? We Yankees do know that there is good cuisine below the Mason Dixon line. Do you remember our pulled pork conversation? No, I don’t have a recipe. Go make me cornbread you boxer wanking tool!
Oh, I forgot about the pork sandwich. Go fix me one
Diane– I have missed reading this mutual abuse so much. It just isn’t the same on FB
.
I always worry when he goes away that I will lose my chops but it’s like riding a bicycle isn’t it? Comes right back to you.
Note to self…don’t read this blog while eating ice cream…or anything!
Cornbread is not strictly a southern dish, in New England a very common form of bread with dinner was called ‘Johnny Cake’ which supposedly is a bastardization of “Journey Cake”, least according to the frugal gourmet and it goes back to colonial times. On the other hand, they don’t serve it with the collard green cooked in fatback, pullled pork sandwiches, and my favorite, local fried chicken (my wife said I was going to turn into a chicken on our honeymoon when we went off the beaten path driving south, I have not had fried chicken as good as I had in the cafeteria restaurants and such we found on our journey down to Florida….).
The corkscrew junk on the duck reminds me of an old joke (usually told as an ethnic joke, which I won’t bother with), guy goes into the doctor, complaining he is having trouble with his john henry, his wife is complaining during sex, etc..doctor takes a look at it, tells him “what the fuck, your dick is all twisted like a corkscrew, what the hell you been doing?”
Guy looks at him and shrugs. “I don’t know, it just happened”
Doctor is puzzled, starts asking him if he is doing anything different, is he wearing different underwear, etc, guy says no.
Both the doctor and the guy go to the restroom, go to the urinals and after they finish the doctor notes the guy is talking to himself, and hears him singing “I’m wringing out my dick, wringing out my dick, wringing out my dick till it ain’t so wet”
I don’t do well with dirty talk either, if i try it generally comes out sounding like a really bad porn novel, the kind I learned everything about sex from *lol*.
Hmm, earrings, I like them, used to have a couple in each ear, but my wife strongly discouraged it….what I don’t like on men is the thing with wearing huge honking earrings that look like diamonds (or maybe are real with hip hop stars and athletes), if worn right they can be cool… (then again, I probably would look like grandmas pincushion in certain areas if it wasn’t for my wife:)…..alas, these days I am just boring schmuck going to work, no more fun….
Do they call it a banana slug because they eat bananas or because its penis is as big as a banana?
Because they live in Banana trees
Evidently they look like overripe bananas (yellow with brown spots). But I like your second explanation better.
They’re amazingly disgusting–they actually have a banana slug festival here in northern California. You don’t EVER want to step on one barefoot–some of them are like eight inches long. GROSS creatures, but they serve them cooked in different ways at the festival. And no, I have no intention of eating one, even though I DO love escargot…
I have stepped on one and it takes fucking Clorox and Ajax to cut through the slime. I am emotionally scarred from the event and it took place over 40 years ago.
Oh and my hubby likes the boxer briefs, too. At least he thinks he does. That’s all I ever buy him. Regular boxers are just a little too liberating to the banana slug, er penis.
Banana slug appetizers? That is just gross
Ughhh… I can’t imagine stepping on them or eating them.
RM & Diane– y’all should look up Schistosoma mansoni on Wikipedia. They are one of the few parasites that have males & females. The live “encopula” all their adult lives (40+ years). They are monogamous and the male is smaller and just lives inside the female forever. It is kind of romantic in a gross, parasite way.
That is beautiful
Thought you would appreciate that. I sent the cornbread recipe. It tastes best served with butter and pinto beans.
You had me until you said pinto beans. Corn bread needs to be served with black eyed peas.
I love cornbread and pinto beans!!! Ladybug, you’ve been sick for many days now. You need to shake that donkey and get well
Cool thanks. I will try it with pinto beans and black eyed peas
RM, can you post the cornbread recipes or forward them to me if the ladies are agreeable ,please?
I don’t have a favorite cb recipe, but I do make a mean Jalapeño Cornbread Sausage stuffing
will do MJ send your recipe too
How can you talk about food after that worm snail thingy? People! DO NOT google it! It is disgusting!
Are you talking about the banana slug or the parasite? I think the parasite story is sweet as long as you aren’t the host organism.
How ’bout those bonobos?
The parasites! Bonobos are good. Thank you. That image of crazy apes fucking every opening they can find is almost spiritual, isn’t it?
I love snails with butter and lemon
I have never tried snails or oysters or Rocky Mountain oysters.
In spain we have them with a tomato sauce that has breadcrumbs and almonds ground up in it and and has just a tiny bit of bite to it
LB, That is awesome, no second chances once you get the penis chewed off
I love cornbread and I am from the south! Hubby wears boxer briefs, but apparantly he didn’t know to switch sides.
I guess it’s too late now. I try very hard not to think about the implications of my son and his boxers. Some things a mom should NEVER know.
Happy moving, if there is such a thing.
Thanks Felicia
This explains why my hubby always has his hands on his tackle. Now I know what to buy him for Christmas
Earrings on men–generally not. One small one is okay, sometimes, but two looks too girly for me.
LOL and I agree about the earrings
Lmao RM you have been missed, good luck with moving. I am bad at dirty talk I’ve tried over the phone a few times didn’t work lol. I think a eating on a man is sexy. See you in a few days be safe.
Thanks Kelly
Ps now everytime I see a duck I will be thinking about the male turning the female thanks for the visual.
Out of all that I have so say your view on politics is awesome. I am so sick of half my friends, who are all apparently constitutional scholars, on facebook that I am trying to figure out how to block their feed.
Boxer briefs are awesome. I recommend Nike Sport.
Don’t care either way on the earrings.
Nike sport, hmm I have to try them
I am from the North and I make an awesome cornbread (not to toot my own horn)
And talking dirty..while fun is a little overrated. Something is not being done correctly if you can form syllables.
No on the earring
Please send cornbread recipe
Will do!
Thanks
Toot your own horn Jessie! Defend us Northerners.
Yes ma’am.
Toot toot!
Okay, Diane, this is to make up for the banana slugs and the parasites. Cichlids–the males are definitely the jerks in this species. The female carries her eggs around in her mouth. The male has spots on his anal fin that look like eggs. So the female, thinking she dropped some, moves in to pick up her “lost eggs” and in the process gets a faceful of sperm, compliments of the male.
Is that better?
Diane– your bonobo comment above should be entered in the RM Comment of the Year category. It is almost spiritual
.
Seriously, bonobos rock. I love that they have sex to celebrate finding a food source. (Well, they have sex for any reason.) My husband and me consider ourselves foodies. I’m telling you, we have had some meals so good, we wanted to fuck on the table in the restaurant. Our compliments to the chef!
I read your “we have had some meals so good, we wanted to fuck on the table in the restaurant” comment to MB. I almost had to perform the Heimlich on him. Note to self: don’t read Diane’s comments to people who are eating.
I take back my earlier suggestion. This comment should be the one you enter into the Remies (see? I gave the awards a cute nickname like the Oscars
).
The Remies. I like it! We at least need a “best of” primer so newbies read certain infamous posts and get the background they need to follow all the discussions.
Diane, excellent idea. Since the bulletin board is gone **ahem** we could have a “Best Of” page. It would be up to us to place our favorites there
I read this to Hubby.
He laughed and said it was the insect version of a money shot.
Isn’t he delightful
LOL– money shot! That’s hilarious. Your hubby sounds as delightful as mine
.
You know, it figures. She is running around, cleaning and trying to pick up and straighten up the insect house, and he goes sticking it in her face. Men are the same in every species!
RM, you are beyond awesome. I laugh so hard every time I read your posts. I hereby vow to hang out here more often when I’m avoiding my deadlines. ;D
Thanks Cari glad to have you
Well, look who I ran into. Hey, Cari, I hope to see you in the fall when I make my way to your end of the world. I’ll keep you posted.
Thank you. I hadn’t had coffee come out of my nose in such a long time!
Heather
Thanks Heather!
Cornbread is a staple of traditional New England cooking too, but New England cornbread and southern cornbread are different things.
I LOL’d at the image of the male duck turning the female round and round.
Really? i would like to try New England cornbread
New England cornbread has more flour than the southern variety, so it’s not as dense, and is also sweeter. It’s baked in the oven instead of cooked in a skillet on the stovetop.
Here’s a recipe:
http://www.grouprecipes.com/58987/golden-northern-cornbread.html
Thanks CJ
I laughed so hard, I had a coughing fit, spit out my coffee and I’m now crying.
I’m still visualizing a female duck sitting on it and rotating.
You could just go commando and not have to worry about the underwear thing.
SOME men look good with earrings as long as they don’t have dangly feathers or rhinestones.
Thanks Becki!
LOL, interesting stuff as usual, RM!
I have never tried cornbread, but would love to. Will you share Ladybugs recipe on here for the rest of us?
Love the idea of your caveman style, BDSM, historical. If anyone can pull that off, it’s you
And I don’t mind an earring on a guy, can defo be sexy.
Good luck with the rest of the move!
Thanks Sheri and yes I will post LB’s recipe
Awesome, thanks!
Glad you are surviving the move…
I make a HUGE effort to not talk politics – which is hard because I am live in NH and every reporter in the world is here every primary season nagging me to pick a side.
Son has switched to boxers these past few months – asked him why – but it seems that is something an 11 year old boy does not want to talk with his Mom about.
I adore cornbread – I don’t have a recipe – I do have a killer rib rub and barbecue sauce recipe I have developed.
I do not find earrings on men attractive – and those athletes and artists that wear the diamonds bigger than mine in both ears – UGH. Don’t even get me going on tongue piercings.
Send BBQ recipe please
sure thing – tomorrow
I need a vacation now that I am back from my vacation
sent – let me know what you think
I love ribs and anything with barbecue sauce. Post her recipes, RM.
will do
Take the earring off before you get into a fight, even if it means leaving your glasses on. New glasses will cost less than the plastic surgery to repair your ear.
Good advice. Personal experience?
Results of research.
what were you researching
Fight scene for a story that didn’t get written after all.
Or around pet parrots or around little kids, especially with hoop or dangling earrings..plastic surgeon who fixed my deviated septum (see, even my nose was perverted) said he made some nice money fixing those gotchas……
Oh god, picturing the duck flipping his mate around and around had me in stitches!
Awesome post, as always. I always learn so much about men reading your posts–who knew that about boxers? LOL.
anyway, to answer your question re: earrings. It depends on the rest of the package. It takes a certain guy to pull it off, and when he can, yum. I feel the same way about long hair. Some guys should never wear long hair. Others? Yum!
Thanks Angela
I think Men are born with the extra chromosome that comes with knowing all the dirty words and phrases. I can not figure out where some of the stuff my husband says comes from….it is not like he just hears it on the street? Anyway, You actually probably can talk dirty until you get “under pressure”….that is why it is so funny! I laugh at my husband too!!! I don’t talk politcs and I think you gave WAY TOO MUCh INFO on your underwear dilema! Don’t know much about ducks…..but now I know something…And I don’t like Earrings on men! That’s All…
It is not possible to give too much info away on this blog
Wow!!!!! Awesome post RM. We learn so much about the animal kingdom on here! Diane and LB, I feel so left out in all the exchanges….
Just checked my mail, and there you were. Is the move going ok? I like cornbread, and I’m a northerner( originally). We grew up with Irish Soda bread though. Hmmm, earrings…depends on the guy. I don’t like those big goo-gaw diamonds some athletes. Not crazy about nose rings either..on anyone. Husband wears boxer briefs also.
Missed you RM….hope everything is going well…..
Oh oh, I forgot about the ” dirty talk”….. Husb. Has some difficulty hearing, but apparently I mumble…
So dirty talk sort of loses it’s sexiness when you have to yell it!!!
LOL Pat! Thank God you live in a single home or the neighbors might be winking at you in the morning!
Yes Diane, but we crack each other up, so we end up laughing!!! He refuses to get his hearing checked, so it’s quite interesting. At least we can laugh!
I loved your post. I have been reading but never posted before. My husband is retired military. He wore different underwear for different clothes. The military uniform rubs the hair on his legs and that is not pleasant so no boxers there. After hours he is a tee shirt and boxers hang around the house guy. He sews up the hole. He says the boys need to breathe after work. I like the military look so no earrings for me. My husband would flip if my sons had them.
Thanks Mary Beth. My dad would have killed me too if I came home with an earing.
My dad would have yanked my brothers’ ears, earring and all if they came home with one. LOL
LMAO Pat! That visual is freaking hilarious. I can just picture it….Honey, I SAID…..@#$@#$#@ me!!! LOL
Thanks Pat, I will be back soon
Oh, Pat– we miss you too. We need some sort of bat signal so everyone can congregate at the same time. I literally snorted when I read that about yelling your dirty talk. That’s hilarious
.
Oh, Pat– we miss you too. We need some sort of bat signal so everyone can congregate at the same time. I literally snorted when I read that about yelling your dirty talk. That’s hilarious
.
Glad to see your post RM. Wonderful insight as usual. I agree politics suck and both parties are closer together than they want us to believe. I’ve never understood men’s underwear. The folds, the bands, and secret panels.The complexity of how and where everything is suppose to fit. I guess I should be glad I sit down to pee. Talking dirty out loud never sounds as good as we hear in our head seconds before. Given how funny nature created ducks, I’m not surprised.
Earrings on guys? Who knows. But for some bizarre reason they look hot on NFL players.
Good luck with your move
Thanks Heidi
RM it always cracks me up when you refer to yourself as a southerner. Sorry, but you live in Florida, the Sunshine State. Everyone knows that’s not “the south”, it’s just God’s waiting room for us Yankees
. And we Yankees know about cornbread, ok. Ever heard of Boston Market? Or Jif corn muffin mix? Or how about the FoodNetwork? All very reputable sources of cornbread for us Yankees 
.
You are right about Florida being a waiting room for yankees
I think it’s funny that he considers Florida a southern state, too. I’m from Alabama and even real southerners don’t count Florida. It’s like the state with no region.
LOL Waiting room for Yankees. It’s also the Snow birds paradise, as a lot of Canadians flock there in their retirement years.
I always wondered why it’s not considered “southern.”
You are SO RIGHT about Jiffy corn muffin mix! I just add a little sugar and a cup of frozen corn, and we’re in business!
You crack me up RM! Missed you past couple of weeks.
) Anyway, not only is it all true, but the part about preventing unwanted sex/pregnancy has actually been proven by Yale researchers. Fascinating stuff.
So I was gonna ask you how you knew the totally random fact about the duck vagina and penis. I mean, who knows this stuff? But I decided to look it up myself first (not that I don’t trust you or anything
The part I really can’t believe is that you made me google “duck vagina”.
I avoid political discussions. I must be getting old cause everybody pisses me off. No on the earrings and good luck with your tragic underwear issues.
Hurry back!
Thanks Steph
My hubs likes these short boxer briefs. I think they’re called low rise hipster. I have a hard time finding them but he looks super cute in them!
I like earrings on guys. Big, little, one ear or two. I think it’s all about the confidence.
P.S. Has anyone else noticed how many Stephanies are on this blog? I think there are four of us that comment. That’s a pretty high concentration of Stephs.
LOL Steff me and Stephanie with the big glasses keep talking about changing our names but we can’t decide on anything we like
I hope you don’t. I think it’s kinda neat.
Awww.. I missed all the fun. Glad your back RM. Hope your move is going well. Moving sucks ass. I hate it.
I have three men living in my house and they each wear a different type of underwear. They all FREAK out if I accidentally buy the wrong ones.
If planes were made out of nerf I wouldn’t be such a chicken shit about flying.
I’m thinking of changing my name to Stephanie Sweetlicker…what do you think?
I have no idea why this posted here, it was supposed to be in the regular comments.
why are you living with 3 men
Haha! I meant my husband and two sons. I didn’t mean it to sound like I was living in some naughty M/M/M/F relationship. I save that for the books I read.
I like it! Sweetlicker made me giggle and snort.
Sweetlicker is a great moniker!!!
Oh! Stephanie. your avatar looks like an adorable lost little girl next to your commentary about not knowing why the post was there. So funny!
i agree with you on the political talk. I enjoy a rational, intelligent, thoughtful discussion of the issues, but not when the other person is beating me over the head with their opinion
I no longer have the energy to deal with those people.
Earrings? If they are big and ultraexpensive that speaks of wealth; out of my league.
One small sparkly diamond is very nice.
If you’re gay, you can wear earrings in both ears.
LG, when I read people slamming each other on FB over a political topic, it actually makes me laugh. First of all, I doubt they would speak to each other that way if they were in person, and secondly, nobody is going to change the other person’s mind.
Bahahahaha!!!!! I eagerly await your novel debut of caveman eroticism! Let me know when the pre-order link is there. ;-p
RM, you’re baaaaaack! Belly laughs all around.
The only thing better than boxer briefs is commando. Except, there was a guy at work who was overweight, and he’d stand around the halls and stroke his dick through his trousers. When confronted with it, he’d say his pants were tight and he was trying to get his dick back into a comfortable place.
I’m a fan of dirty talk during sex, but just a little, and when you don’t expect it. *sigh* If I remember correctly.
When we were kids, the worst epithet we could throw at each other was (while lifting the middle finger) “sit on this and rotate”. Didn’t know we were emulating ducks.
Diane and LB, you are as funny as RM. I appreciate you!
RM, I’ve really missed you {mwaahhhh} I’m so glad to see you in action because I’ve been watching the Olympics and there’s an awful lot of male hugging and butt swatting and I keep thinking of you and wanting you to do that. Hope the rest of the move goes smoothly.
RM: I am astounded by your creative candor. You went from sexual thoughts to writing to sexual thoughts to men’s underwear and then back to sexual thoughts.
About the boxer briefs: my hub likes Jockey brand the best and when I’ve tried to float him a Hanes, believe me it’s not pretty what he says to me. He has also laid down the law about Fruit of the Loom being too gay to wear.
I really think you should write a book and publish it on Amazon. Make it very angsty with a Christian Grey type male character. He must be damaged; yet redeemable. It has to have HOT sex where no blood is shed. That leaves out the hard-core BDSM stuff. This book has to really bother people so that a movie company will come along and buy up the rights for your book. ….start writing.
I loved all your pep’s replies to this point and noticed how inspired and revved-up they got about ducks, and wormy-slimy critters. Made me feel kinda gross…..in a very sexual way of course!
Lastly: I’m born and bred in Southern California (sorry…somebody has to be) and I just love cornbread and not that weird stuff they might sell in some natural food restaurant in Santa Monica. Please post the recipe?
Thank you RM for another fine blog post. Made me smile, laugh, squint my eyes, and then cough when you spoke of the little one who definitely needs a more secure home.
Take care not to wrench your back while moving……..which is why I always hire me some big brawny sweaty moving guys.
Thanks Skeletor!
Thank you for all the laughs everyone.
I needed this after watching all the news coverage of the shootings today.
RM, I am not receiving an email about new posts.
Received the email, just a few hours after you posted
Sometimes it takes a while for some reason
Don’t fret, RM, it happens to all guys once in their life time.
I like earrings on guys esp when they wear black eyepatches snd carry knives between their teeth. But they have to have teeth. I have standards ya know.
You are off the charts funny.
My husband hates boxers, hates his junk hanging.
Thanks for the mental picture of male ducks manhandiling their females. I’ll not look at a duck the same again. Lol
Random statement about cars and planes being made out of nerf. I’m sure there’s a reason behind it……maybe.
Love a man with an earring if he can pull it off. Other wise they just look like their playing dress up.
Good luck on the moving. I hate moving it sucks.
Thanks Lori
Moved 41 times so far. Good luck with that.
The House Hunk wears boxer briefs. Hmmm. Must discuss the changing sides dealie with him.
Earrings on men? Sometimes–like long hair. It depends.
Cornbread with black eyed peas. Homemade tortillas with pinto beans. I was born and raised in AZ.
Nerf cars definitely. I could get behind that. Don’t get on planes for any reason…
Politics. You have that one dead on. Stupidity is rampant.
Have a good day!
LOL! Witty as usual. Hope you’re moving is good well.
Canadians LOVE cornbread/muffins as well.
Hubby read your blog as well, and he totally agrees with you on the dirty talk and boxers. Men really do think alike, don’t they? LOL
Your title had me in stitches for reasons I can’t say here on the blog. We both killed ourselves laughing, before we realized you were really talking about actual ducks.
Diane, Ladybug and the other gals who comment, you all slay me. Thanks for the laughs. My brain is still in cottage country, but you perked up my tired senses.
Hope you’re all having great kick-start to your week.
Forgot to add to my two Canadian two cents about politics. The problem with the government(s) is that too many politicians work in public service..
Good point and I agree
After mentally bitching out the stupid neighbor for using his leaf blower for more than hour…I jammed my fingers in the door that sticks racing out to turn the ‘burning up’ pool pump off.
Uh yeah. Wasn’t a leaf blower.
Came back in and thought–need to check the RM posts. Need a laugh. Went to sit down, grabbed the toddler on my hip made grits and settled him down with breakfast.
Looked at hip–HUGE wet area. Changed baby, set him back with grits and decided I wanted more coffee for RM post.
Made the fresh pot turned around…naked baby yelling EWWWWW. Rounded the corner to see the trail of turds.
When I say I NEED your posts…not lying.
Boxer Briefs= Sexy Boxer= Not sexy, reminds me of Dad.
Earrings are okay, unless it’s hubby getting one. Then not okay.
Dirty talk= Not so much. I get the giggles.
Cornbread= Sweet. Sorry. It’s a VA thing. Sour cream, and creamed corned added to mine.
Beans= NO. Not any kind not ever again. I do make the black eye’d peas on New Years, but that’s it. First few years of marriage we were so broke we ate beans and beans and more beans. Swore I’d never eat em again.
Read the post. Love it, though first thought was, ADD, anyone? Any writer who can go from cornbread to boxers to spiraling duck vagussies to the reason some guys have tilted dicks has got my vote, and yes, sorry for the politics.
Love my cornbread with fried apples, so yep, I go for the sweeter stuff. Use the Jiffy pack–it’s cheap and easy and while I love to cook, don’t always have time.
Must get back to work–RM, I hope the move goes well. I’m still in the midst of ours, remodeling as we go. It is NOT fun, but part of the reason why I’ve not been online much, and the biggest part of why I’ve missed your posts. I need a laugh, and you’re always good for a bunch of them!
So glad to see you back.
Okay ignorant Brit here! What is cornbread and is it different to ordinary bread?
RM I’m so glad you’re back – needed to have something to lol at!
Nobody has mentioned the traditional Y-front (I am sooooo glad, they are awful!)
Earrings, don’t mind either way!
Fellow UK bound girl here here. I’m assuming it’s made of cornmeel haha. Can’t remember ever having had cornbread when staying in the US.
I don’t think I had it either!
commies
Every time we get a newbie to the south, I break out the grits.
There is no middle ground with grits. They either love it, or spit the shit across the room cursing me for feeding it to them.
I love grits
Now I need to know what “grits” are!
Can’t believe no one has responded to your question yet! Cornbread . . made with half cornmeal and half white flour, salt, baking powder, milk, eggs & some oil. It is like a ‘quick bread’ the baking powder and salt causing the rising effect. I cook mine in an 8inch square pan, 2 inch high sides. The cornbread is kind of crumbly when eaten, best when it is loaded with butter that melts into the bread.
I like mine sweetened with sugar.
I also have a wonderful jalepeno cornbread recipe that includes creamstyle corn and jalepenos, but I use New Mex. green chili for the heat. Its got cheddar cheese too.
Fly me to England I would love to cook some for you!
Thanks!
I think I’d rather come to you, you can update me on all the “American” jargon and food that I don’t understand! (pretty please!)
It’s the same we make here, and it’s called “queque de elote” (corn cake), when sugar is added.
With politics, I have become more and more of a fan of HL Mencken and his views of the American public. While I don’t share his political views, his views on people I am starting to share. Sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to common sense or pragmatism, if it ever existed, what I see today is people blindly mouthing things they don’t have the least clue about what they mean. Political discourse has come down to sound bites, and if you challenge their reasoning, you get “You damn liberal” or “you toadie to the rich”,or the best one “prove it” (meanwhile, they make statements and can’t tell you why they believe it is true)……. what we have today isn’t facts, it is factoids, which are coming to be what Goebbels said, that a lie told often enough becomes the truth *sigh*.
The problem is the pragmatic politicians who really care about the country, rather then winning, don’t get anywhere, they are buried under a pile of shit and don’t get anywhere (one example I can think of? Jon Huntsman running for the GOP nomination, in a sea of people who I wonder what they were smoking, he seemed at least to have thought out positions…)……
Basically politicians for the most part are concerned only about 1 thing, winning, and they don’t give a shit about anything else, it is all about what brings them closest to winning, not about fixing things.
njbill, yes, what you said. I agree.
DH wears boxer briefs. I’ll inform him about the changing sides thing, just in case he didn’t know.
Politics, I’m sorry, but no FB comment is going to change my political view. I try to avoid discussing politics at all.
Earrings, yeah, well, I have three sons. One of them earrings look good on. The other two, not so much.
One Easter my dad bought baby ducks for my sister and I. Well, Donald and Daisy lived to be four or five. Donald died defending his mate to a bird dog, and Daisy lived the rest of her years with one wing. But they had a kiddie pool and Donald would hold her head underwater and do her. No wonder I’m scarred.
Have a good move, RM!
Have to tell you a funny story about ” briefs” . A friend saw her grandson getting ready for school, and commented to,him his underwear was on backwards. He said, uh uh Nana, I like them this way. She pointed out the”slot” where he could put his “wiener” through to pee, and not have to pull them down. He turned them around, tested them and said “SWEET!”
True story!!
LOL. Boys!
Snorted my coffee right about the caveman erotica and choked when I read about duck vaginas. I was a naturalist a lifetime ago and I can’t say I had ever heard that factoid. Of course it would have been a little awkward sharing it with a group of 5th graders during my bird talk. Just sayin …
Hope the move is going well.
Okay, RM, where do you find out about this shit? Is there someone telling you about the animal kingdom sex practices?
Just came back from the lake, and between trips to the laundry room I decided to check your blog. Oh, God. LB and Diane, I have missed your comments, and everyone else’s. Keep them coming!
I like cornbread, but I had no idea the recipes were regional. Huh.
And I agree with everyone else about earrings. Some men look awesome, some look like wannabes. What I cannot understand is when a man would put those big circles the size of locking nuts in their ears. What are those for? Hooks in case they fall unconscious? Practice for shooting marbles thru? Dialing in a radio signal?
Lily, I asked a coworker once about his earrings. He had those big circles that made his ears stretch. He said it was to endure the feeling of it. To know that he could do it. Ah, well, this fella was ‘straight edge’ also. I had to ask what that meant. No mind altering substances i.e. drugs, alcohol, caffeine. Eats a healthy diet, keeps his body cleansed of unnatural stuff.
He was a really nice guy too.
Kermie I am with you about the marble holes. I have to use a lot o concentration when I have a student who has one
Thought it was high time I wrote to say how much I love your blog. More importantly so does my husband which is a real winner for me, he had started to roll his eyes and get that blank look on his face when I mentioned anything to do with romance books or writing (I’m newly contracted so can get a bit carried away) now he doesnt feel so alone. *g*
Cheers
Donna
Thanks Donna and have him comment we need more men.
Oh My God! That was too funny. I mean I laugh with every post but this one? wow… I can’t remember the last time I laughed like this.
Thanks Angie!
I totally *heart* RM and stream-of-consciousness writing!
Pigs have corkscrew penes, too.
Hubby has 1 pair of boxers, and he saves them for sexytimes. He tends to pull them out on the way to the shower and then leer at me.
He otherwise wears boxer briefs even though I told him that he needs to get some briefs to hold those nuts up close to his body so that the heat kills any sperm that get through the big V gap. He didn’t think I was very funny.
My 6-year-old does not understand the point of the hole in the front of his undies. He prefers to simply pull his pants down – everywhere he goes. We were on the way to a wedding in IA (from WI), and he had to go, so we pulled off to the side of the road. Unfortunately, the only safe place to turn off happened to be right in front of the giant picture window of a farmhouse. They got a nice show.
My 1-year-old is now trying to potty-train himself (peed on the potty 7 times today – every time we sat him on it!), and he has recently figured out that if he grabs his junk and says, “Peepee,” people all around him will cheer. There is a lot of penis grabbing happening in my house (thank goodness for the 8-year-old, who keeps me in X chromosomes and high drama all day long).
I am personally undecided on earrings. Hubby – no way. He’s a redneck to the core and would never be caught wearing “hippie shit” like that. Some people just look obscene, like they’re trying waaaaaaay too hard. Some guys rock them. I guess that as long as I don’t have to clean them, I’ll just keep my opinion to myself.
Politics are a joke. Politicians have to be either so far left or so far right in order to appeal to the “base” that they’re leaving the rest of us in the dust. One of our state legislators really seemed to hit a lot of the issues where he should have for our area – pro-gun, good for agriculture, etc. He got voted out after one term because he’s a Democrat. I usually end up writing in all of my immediate family members for a lot of our local elections because the candidates are so polarized. Then again, it’s the people like me in the middle who should run because we represent a whole lot of constituents but who don’t because the game is so dirty.
And with that…I retreat to lurkdom until the time comes for RM to finish the big move (good luck, btw! Don’t pull anything!) and return to regularly-scheduled programming.
Erin! loved this post! Thanks for sharing about your kids, it made my day. I’ve never had children so hearing about others antics is wonderful
Okay, I’m late to the party.
But men can’t dirty talk well to their wives because we’ve seen them pee and we’ve seen them vomit.
Once you pass that point in your relationship no matter how hard you try to be Mr. Sexy…we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re ordinary.
You talk dirty to your girlfriend, but constantly pleasure your wife.
Happy moving. (moving, right? vacation maybe? I suck at keeping up with people.)
I’m still looking for the man who will constantly pleasure me. So far, only disappointment.
Ok, well, I just found this blog…and I am loving it just from this seemingly innocent *snicker* post.
First off, why do guys refer to that enormously, pleasure-inducing, heat-seeking guided love missile as “little whatever”?!
Here’s a thought, you all claim it has a brain, which is so much better than the real one, because it knows one thing-how to make people happy!
Thus, my guy’s love missile is just “Mr. Happy”…just a thought.
Now, about the woeful tale of the hole in the boxers? Where do I start?
First off, you guys pee standing up-period, anywhere, anytime, you get the urge. If you need to pee, you just whip it out, be it through a hole or (waaaa) pulling it up and over.
WE have to do a buffalo stance over any public toilet so we don’t get any germs…and that’s after trying to peel the thong that we’ve worn for you OUT of wherever it decided to crawl up in! *(Try wearing nylons, it makes this experience so…what’s the word I am looking for? So, challenging-yeah that’s it. That’s just one teeny, tiny example.
Keep this in mind men, next time traveling with the love of your life & she says she has to use the bathroom, but you decide you need to make time…and we can “wait”, while you, pull along side the road and write your name with your pee, whistling the whole time!
I will be back, this blog is just what I need!
I am in the midst of revamping my blog- I will be back to grab your button, so everyone can know it’s goodness…the blog that is.
Thanks Patti
Mr. RM Of course, you discovered the mushroom soup cans because of the moving!. I’ve been wondering.
That’s the information I wanted, not the part about your briefs or boxers, or boxer briefs, or what you do with your hands all day. But, thanks for sharing.
First time posting for me as well. The duck thing rang a bell. Having raised geese and ducks as 4H projects w/my kids I always wondered why they needed to be in water to concieve and not pop out dead eggs, I knew it was about the weight issue but not that ducks are spinners. Geese too? Love ya RM! My old man is comando all the time except on vacation. Can’t have grandpa exposed I guess! Don’t talk politics, don’t vote, get rid of the electoral college and I’ll think about it. Thank God my 39 year old son is afraid of needles or I’d have an earing wearing, facial tatooted, glass blower wandering around my house! I don’t ask about his underware, he buys ‘em, he washes ‘em (I hope).
Thanks Sue!
Thank you again for another fine post. I swear I am like a kid at Christmas when I get that email saying you’ve posted something new.
I am making a mental note to ask hubby about the rotating right side/left side. I am not sure he knows this rule. Of course, this could be something he hasn’t shared. I mean you don’t mark on the calendar today was the left side, do you?
I also am so excited to learn of the duck vagina issue. I love to wow my co-workers with useless knowledge. Most of it comes from you now that I give it some further thought. Hmmm…thank you for that.
Happy moving and getting settled in. I hate moving more than just about anything else in this world.
My DH always sewed the “pee hole” closed on the boxers that way there was no peeping going on !
Fascinating as usual.
If I can take tattoos a little ear decoration is not going to bother me EXCEPT these earrings that resemble polo mint sweets with the hole in the middle. For the life of me I cannot understand how a huge hole in one’s earlobe is meant to be attractive.
Totally agree Luci….think I like tattoos better!!
RM…Lexie, everybody!!! Seducing Cinderella by our very own Gina Maxwell appeared on the N.Y. Times Bestseller list at # 113 today!!!!!
# 1 Here she comes! 
WooHoo
Gina Maxwell is the best
Here’s to a long life of writing bestsellers:!:
To all the WRITERS who are new to publishing: I picked up JR Ward’s debut novel, Leaping Hearts; its a horse story romance-my favorite- Anyway, She writes a note to the readers in the front of the book.
She describes meeting a very well known author while she was trying to get her first manuscript published and that Very Well Known Author gave her some really good advice about writing. I recommend everyone pick up a copy even if you don’t read the book. Just for that advice.
That was excellent advice. A light came on somewhere in the recesses of my mind.
very fitting to write about politics together with **screwy** privates, how IT rears its **ugly** head through boxer panels and **flops** around like a fish out of water
Maybe you should have another talk with lil RM. I thought you guys were gonna work together on things? Every healthy relationship involves discussion and teamwork. I think its pretty obvious he’s not feeling “supported” in this situation. As for duck vaginas, I have always been curious about random animal sex (mostly barnyard animals) so thanks for that.