It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep again. I hate insomnia. My wife never has this problem and she is sleeping like a baby and she’s not all fucked up this time. That’s a stupid expression “sleeping like a baby” it should be “sleeping like a teenager” cause they sleep all the time.
Lexie is taking this writing thing seriously. She is constantly researching and asking advice. It’s interesting because you realize that all authors have a different approach and you also realize that they are all fucking crazy. Anyway Lexie asked me the other day to describe what it is like to give a woman oral sex. I said “are you asking me what vagussy tastes like?” She said “yes”. I said “it tastes like chicken”. She thought that was funny. I love when I can make her laugh but I always fuck it up because right after that I said “look the only way to know what it is like is to do it” that was as far as I got before she hit me.
You know what I don’t understand? Why do women have such better penmanship than men? Every woman I have ever known has had great penmanship and every man I have ever known writes like a five year old. What is it about the female brain that causes woman to have this ability to form their letters so perfectly? They are all the same size and every B looks like every other B and so on. When I write it’s all fucked about. None of my letters are the same size – every B looks different – some of my letters are tall and some are short and it’s just all discombobulated.
There have been so many times when my wife would dictate a grocery list to me and I would get to the store and couldn’t even understand what I wrote. My eight year old daughter writes ten times better than I do.
Another thing I suck at is filling out forms because I always misjudge the space I have. You know when you go to the doctor and you have to fill out the questionnaire? It will ask a question and then give you a space to write your answer. Well I always start out like I have plenty of room and then quickly realize I don’t so I have to adapt:
What is the reason for your visit today? Hard time breathing smothered by vagussy, vaguice all over my face.
And the people who write those forms intentionally fuck with us. They write questions like this:
Do you take any medications? _____________________________________________
Please give a quick summary of your medical history. ___ Are you allergic to any medications? ______________________________________________________________________
You know what else I don’t understand? Why do we have so many fucking tanning salons in Florida? We live in the fucking Sunshine State for Christ sakes.
I am a beta reader for the first time ever. I won’t tell you who for because you know how I feel about name dropping but her name rhymes with Smoothie. Anyway I feel like any idiot doing this. It’s like me giving QB advice to Tom Brady. I am half way through the book and I haven’t found anything helpful to add. I feel like I should find at least one thing but I can’t. All of her letters are perfect and her story is great.
My wife was a beta reader for Kate and when she got done she asked me: “What am I suppose to tell Kate there isn’t anything wrong with the book”? I said to tell her that but she felt like she wasn’t helping and now that I am beta reading I know how she feels.
If I had been a beta reader on Wolf Tales Kate would have hated me because by page four I would’ve been like “STOP. Stop writing – you have a dude getting fucked by another dude with a dog dick, I quit”.
I got in an argument with a seven year old the other day – and lost. I went out to get the mail and the neighbor kid is riding his scooter and he has on a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, gloves I mean it was ridiculous he looked like the Michelin Man. He stopped and said hi and I said hi and I asked him why he was wearing so much padding. I was prepared for a male bonding moment when he would say “aw, my mom makes me wear this shit but I hate it” and I would respond by saying “yeah, moms are crazy bitches aren’t they”. Well that didn’t happen, the little mother fucker started throwing statistics at me about how many kids each year get hurt on scooters. I said “when I was little we didn’t ever where any helmets” and he said “did you ever get hurt?” Ok I thought this is the moment we bond when I show him my scars so I said “yeah, I got hurt all the time” and he said “I have never been hurt” and scooted away. After he left I realized the flaw in my argument.
So what do you think? Do you think men should wear thongs?