What happened to us? We used to be so close and it seems like we are drifting apart. You used to be so happy to see me, every morning when I would wake up you were there, happy, looking at me. You don’t do that anymore. Remember when we were young and we had so much fun? You were always begging me to play with you and you don’t do that anymore. Just the other day I tried to get you to play and you didn’t want to – why? Is it because we are getting older? Is it because I have been working you too hard since we started reading romance novels?
Remember our Navy days? Remember the girl in Salzburg? She was a freak – you didn’t move for a week after that. Remember the hooker in Marseille? That was the best $50 we ever spent. It was funny because you were nervous and I didn’t think you would be up for it but you came through like a champ. I know we agreed not to talk about the Greece incident but I am sorry about that, her deep voice should have been a clue.
Lately you have been so erratic. One minute you are happy and the next all you want to do is hang around. And what was up with the other night? We were having sex with our wife and you ended so quickly like you just wanted to get it over with. You were never like that and now Lexie has been calling me Minute Man for three days.
I know we have had some tough times and I haven’t always been easy to live with. Sometimes I was too hard on you, making you play when you didn’t want to – looking at pictures of naked women just to get you in the mood. I know you are probably still mad about that time I put you in that place you didn’t want to go. I was drunk though and I wasn’t thinking and I did clean the hell out of you right afterwards. And that time I took Viagra wasn’t because I lost faith in your ability I just wanted to try it because the doctor gave me a free sample. I know you didn’t need it but you have to admit you were pretty fucking happy for a while.
I feel better talking to you. I will try and be a better caretaker and I will never put you in places you don’t want to go anymore. When Lexie gets home I will have her kiss you. That always seems to make you feel better.
So what do you think? Do you think parachute pants will make a comeback?