I feel like an idiot which is not an unusual feeling for me but this time it’s bad. For those of you who follow me on twitter you know I have been tweeting about the treatment of women in the Middle East. It is something that has bothered me for a long time and I am very frustrated that the world can’t seem to come together and free almost a billion women from captivity.
Because I have been so focused on this issue I completely missed something horrifying that has been happening in America and I feel stupid. It is hard for me to comprehend this and you may want to stop reading because what I am about to say is very disturbing but here it is – there are people out there writing bad book reviews. I KNOW, I KNOW, calm down and we will think this through together. Apparently there are people on GoodReads that have been posting bad book reviews and it went unnoticed until a small group of heroes started a website to put an end to this madness.
I don’t know who these people are but God Bless them. Finally, instead of focusing on the small issues that don’t matter like illness, women’s rights, war, poor people, the fact our government is broke and a myriad of other things someone is going after the real evil in this world – people who write mean reviews.
I want to be a part of this organization – I mean I already have a cape so I am halfway there. I want to find a little old lady who wrote a bad review and squash that bitch. I want her to know that if I don’t like her opinion I will humiliate her and make her think twice before reading another book much less posting a review.
I have so many ideas too that can help:
First, we need to find a name other than “Bullies” that name is associated with gay kids jumping off bridges and nerdy kids getting beat up, you know, shit that doesn’t matter so that word just isn’t strong enough for what is happening on GoodReads. I don’t have a stronger word yet but I will think of one.
Second, we need to expand and go after people who also have bad grammar and don’t use punctuation correctly. I think this is key to our mission because people who can’t spell should not be allowed to write. That in itself will stop a lot of these people.
The possibilities are endless. After we rid the world of these cocksuckers we can move on to movie critics and I already have one in mind – Roger Ebert. Thirty-Five years ago he gave a bad review to Smokey and the Bandit – can you believe that shit? I know we can’t out him but he lives in Chicago so there has to be some way we can fuck with him.
After that we can get those mother fucking food critics. Who do those assholes think they are? Telling us what tastes good. Those arrogant fucks. I actually heard a food critic say that a particular key lime pie was too tart. Seriously, she said that. She could have said it was a little tart but she didn’t – she went full bitch and announced it was TOO tart. We need to fuck her up.
I have learned so much from this group of heroes. For example they have decided what is a good critical review and what isn’t and they teach it on their website. I feel so stupid because now I see that the reviews I have been writing are so wrong. For example this is a good critical review:
Shiloh Walker’s new book is just okee dokee. It isn’t her usual superness. The story is a little odd and character development is pretty good but could have been a little better. I don’t want to hurt Ms. Walker’s feelings because I know she tried really hard and that is all that matters so I give it 4 ½ stars plus a smiley face.
I would have never written that if I hadn’t learned how to be nicer from this group of heroes. I would have said something like this:
This is the worst fucking book I have ever read. The hero is an emotionally distant turtle who falls in love with a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo. The heroine is dumb as shit and seems like she has her head in the clouds. Character development blows as we never really know what the hero and heroine are feeling because there is no inner dialogue or emotional conflict. The sex scenes are just awkward. The hero has to stop during sex and crawl up the heroine’s neck to talk dirty to her and then crawl all the way back down and as a result each sex scene is ten chapters long. Ms. Walker is a no talent waste of space who appears to have written a book just for the money.
I will be applying for membership, wish me luck.
Disclaimer: I love Shiloh’s books and she hasn’t written that turtle book yet but when she does I know if will be great.
Which armrest in the movie theater is mine?