I have been attempting to write a book – a parody on romance novels. I have the idea and the plot and all of the characters in my head but I can’t write it – because WRITING.IS.FUCKING.HARD. I can’t write prose or back story or any of those things. So although I have the entire book in my head I cannot transfer it to paper. Well, a while ago my wife said “let me see if I can help you” and I told her the story I wanted to write and she sat down and wrote 3000 words completely outlining my book and it was really good. I was shocked I didn’t know she had this hidden talent – she didn’t know she had this hidden talent. So I told her that she should write a romance novel because I think she could do it. So that night she sat down and wrote 6000 words and began her journey as a writer. She is up to 25000 words and I think it is really good and I am very proud of her. The book may never get published but I am proud of her for trying. It doesn’t matter either way because for years she has been working her ass off and she has found something that she loves and I am happy for her – she deserves it. But we had an agreement that I would write the male dialogue. So she explains the scene she is working on – which is a group of men sitting in a diner – and asks me to write the dialogue. So I did and this is what happened next.
Her: What is wrong with you? You can’t put this in a romance novel.
Me: Why? What’s wrong with it?
Her: It’s offensive.
Me: How in the hell is it offensive? That’s how men talk.
Her: You can’t have the hero say about the heroine “I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes”.
Me: Why?
Her: Because it’s piggish. Is that the first thing you thought about me when we met?
Me: No it was the second thing.
Her: What was the first?
Me: Whether you shave or not.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: What? You wanted male dialogue that’s how we talk.
Her: It makes the hero look like an asshole.
Me: So you don’t really want to know how men talk you want to write how you think men talk.
Her: No. We know how men talk but romance is fiction and we want to pretend you aren’t idiots.
Me: You’re wrong, in case you haven’t noticed I am The Romance Man and women like the fact that I provide a male perspective. Email Kate I bet she agrees with me.
Her: No Kate is trying to finish her book I don’t want to bother her.
Me: Then email Ruthie, she knows all of the rules of romance and I guarantee she will agree with me.
Later that day
Her: I emailed Ruthie and she thinks you’re a fucking idiot and told me not to listen to you.
Me: What? Ruthie did not say that. Let me see the email.
So I looked at the email and Ruthie completely threw me under the bus. She didn’t say I was an idiot but she did agree with my wife which really surprised me because I thought my dialogue was good but apparently it was too realistic. So you know what my wife did? She fuckin’ fired me. She told me I cannot help her with her book anymore and that I can’t even read it till she’s done. I hope the book does get published because I can’t wait to write the review. NO ONE FIRES THE MATADOR.
OMG!!! That is so funny! I hate to side against you, RM, but the hero could never recover any credibility if he said that.
So I’m told. I thought it was good.
Thank you, I couldn’t agree more
Lexie…I KNEW you were talented! Not only discovering your writing skills, but firing THE MATADOR!!! I’d LOVE to be one of your beta readers Lexie.
. <3
I never realized what hard work and stress authors have to go through! Not just writing, but exposure, selling, blogging every day, and putting up with downright mean people who trash your book for the fun of it!!! It has totally changed my attitude toward writers. RM….somewhere you have a book in you! You just have to find your topic. EL MATADOR!!!!
Thanks Pat and she does want you and the rest of the BBL’s as beta readers
Pat, that would be great, I would love it
Oooh, you really want to think twice about giving your wife’s book a bad review. You have to live with that woman, you know. I make my husband beta-read my manuscripts before I give them to my critique partners and I ask him a million questions if he sighs too much or has a weird look on his face while he’s reading. If he gave me a bad review on the net, well, I couldn’t be responsible for my actions.
Yeah I would never do that to her but I will Fan Fiction the hell out of it.
I watch RM’s face as he busts out laughing at my male dialogue, then I start cracking up at how stupid it sounds also
LOL Linda, I would never again, you know, give…..my husband Lasagna again if he ever gave me a bad review in public.
Thanks for the laugh.. Needed it today..
Thanks Cindy!
OMG! I just had to clean my screen…..
I laughed my way through the post until the end where I spewed my water. Best line ever.
Thanks Dolores!
LMAO! You got fired by your wife that is freaking hilarious. Your wife is my hero.
No it is not.
You may not think so, but I do. I don’t know if it would be a good idea of you review that book. You might be a tad bit harsh, since you did get fired.
Yes I would
He has been replaced by someone much more competent
Good for you.
Oh i love it, mmm would love to be a fly on the wall at your review process of you wife book !!
i got fired by my mother once or twice……ok … weekly lol
Why did your mom fire you?
It could get ugly. I wouldn’t really review it tough.
I think it is awesome that Lexie is writing a book. If we ever get to read it, I must admit that I will probably be disappointed if the carpet/drape portion of the dialogue isn’t in there. But I still understand that it is fiction, and we have to act like the hero doesn’t talk like you and Manbug. Sorry all the girls are ganging up on you
SEE! Everyone read Ladybug’s comment. I knew I was right.
You are more gentlemanly than Manbug. He doesn’t even feel the need to help the stripper. That poor girl just got finished shaking her money maker (literally) for y’all and sliding all of over that pole and you guys just go back to your seats. She is left to pick up her money and clothes and try to get off the stage. I took a pole dancing class one time and that shit is hard. It is a WORKOUT plus I am 5’9″ and stripping is a short woman’s game. I nearly gave myself a concussion when I misjudged the distance to the floor sliding down that pole backwards.
On a side note– Manbug always says that it is his job as a daddy to keep our daughter off the pole. I counter with the fact that if he fails, it is my job to make sure she is not the Wednesday lunch time stripper
LOL that is fucking hysterical!
Lady bug! You got some secrets under those little spotted wings…..go girl!
It was a one-time class. I am pretty sure I failed miserably at the sexy part (it is really hard to overcome the loud thunk of a head hitting a hardwood floor unexpectedly). Thankfully, Manbug appreciates my other attributes and we don’t have to rely on my exotic dancing to pay the bills
OMG, that is hilarious! It is totally your duty to make sure she is not the Wed post-lunch show!!!!!
I may have to outsource her training, but if she goes that route I want to make sure she has some skillz
.
Ahem Matador…I would think twice about giving your wife a bad review…You’ll be punished….Kudos to you Lexie…☺
Yeah I won’t really review it.
He knows what my punishment involves and there won’t be any spongebob bandaids around
LMAO! LMAO! OMG, I can’t wait for my husband to read this post tonight.
In my current novel, I have that exact thought, where the male is wondering if a woman he met in a bar, if her carpet matches her drapes. LOL My husband gave me that line and we had that EXACT same argument, but I grudgingly took his advice used it, because…..well, it worked for that scene.
I read all the male dialogue out loud to him and he’ll say, “Are you kidding, only pansies talk like that.” Then he helps me shape it, although, I don’t use everything he gives me, because well, I’m the writer, he’s not. LOL LOL
Thanks for the LOL today, I sorely needed it.
I’ll gladly be a Beta reader if you need one.
Thanks Selena and YOUR book is going to be great because you will have real male dialogue.
My book is already out there, published. I did use male internal thoughts and dialogue, that I tweaked, but he did help with a lot of the male perspective.
It was a fun project, even though I called him a perv more than once. LOL
What is it?
I would love to read it, what is the name of your book?
You two are so sweet.
WHAT A GIRL WANTS by Selena Robins.
Just remember, carpet, drape line, my hubby’s not mine. LOL
Wait I have that book.
Thank you
*Gasp* Oh no she didn’t!!!! but then if she did, I don’t think you should review it. She might do more than just fire you. LOL
You can be her MATADOR doing other things. =/ heeheehee
LOL thanks Angela
Apparently the Matador is not immune to the wrath of Lexie! Lol. Score – Lexie = 1 Matador = 0
Oh I will get my revenge some how.
And so will I
I wondered how much you were using that “I am the RomanceMan, after all” shit with your wife. Be careful when reviewing her book if you ever want to get laid again. I would love to be a beta reader for Lexie’s book, as well.
She is going to ask you i’m sure Scarlet. It will be a while though before she is ready for that.
Seriously, I want to know how often you say to your wife, “I am the RomanceMan, you know.”
Not that much really, once a day.
Really? That little? Poor Lexie. Anyway, I think it’s awesome that she’s writing a book. I wish her all the luck in the world. Thank goodness she has someone so wonderful to go to for advice. I mean Ruthie
.
That would be great
Writing is HARD!!
LOL at the dialogue. Maybe you could write the hero’s friends who make him look good when he decks them?
Good luck with the story
I suggested that after I was fired but she said no.
One of my favorite series has five guys who banter back and forth just like you describe, and I love it!! One of my favorite scenes has one of the guys saying “that’s my sister your talking about (screwing)”, his buddy says “no I’m not, I’m talking about your wife”!! LOVE IT!!!!
So I totally agree with you. It might have something to do with having three brothers. I find it entertaining, not offensive. I think about my husband, and he would totally say I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes. Guys having deep conversations, might come one on one, but never in a group.
I knew I was right. Thanks Kim.
Are you going to receive some of royalties? A consultant fee (while it lasted)? And if it is published are you going to tell us what it is??
No royalties, I was fired. And yes i will tell everyone if it gets published. You guys will get sick of hearing me talk about it.
OMG Matadar I am laughing so hard tear are running down my cheeks. I have a few storie in my head to but like you just don’t know how to put down on paper wrighting is fucking hard. Lol
It is very hard Kelly. I have great respect for people that can do it because it is really fucking hard.
This comforts me because my heroes do talk like men.
Do you write the male dialogue yourself or do you get help from men?
I love books where the men speak like real men, but not too much. I don’t like toilet humor, or pull my finger…you know what I mean? LOL
One reviewer emailed me and said that my love scene which was written in the male POV sounded like a man wrote it. Well, a man didn’t write it, but my hubby did review it, and again, I had to tweak it, but I was proud that I nailed down that sex scene and it sounded manly.
Selena I just realized I have your book What A Girl Wants. You sent it to me.
I think you are both right. You for giving realistic dialogue and her for firing you.
Lol! But really if she used that line, she’d have to write even harder to redeem him enough to be a romance hero. It’s hard enough to write when you love your characters. If she doesn’t fall in love with him, how can she expect her readers to?
Good point and why don’t you have an avatar yet.
Sad to say ’cause WordPress won’t let me.
looking pitiful..
why?
When I registered, it was suppose to send me a password but never did. And then when I try to re-registered it says there is someone with that name. So I clicked on forget password even though I never had one and I’m still waiting for it.
That has nothing to with your avatar. Did you sign up for gravatar.com?
I will talk to me tech guy about getting you set up
Hmmm, I thought you had to register in order to upload to this site. Any help would be great. Thanks!
I will help you get registered but that has nothing to do with your avatar. Go to gravatar.com it’s easy
Okay going to sign up there.
Testing…testing. Trying to see if my avatar pops up here.
email me you gravatar email and password and i will do it for you. i set pats up. you can change the password when i am done
Sigh the Internet gods are not smiling down on me lately. :- p
Alright, I will message you it at FB. Thanks, RM!
Ok why isn’t your avatar working
Your guess is as good as mine.
I entered here via the WordPress.com site so am now registered. Can get into the gravatar.com site so I’m registered there and chose my avatar. I have no clue what to do next. Sigh.
That’s what I told him also
Lexie, I fall in love with every hero I write, and no matter what you write, as long as you can redeem him, it’s A-okay with the romance community.
As for firing your hubby, probably a good idea, you may even work it into your novel. LOL
Great minds think alike, Lexie!
I think it would have been a great bit of humor for that conversation among men to be included – but then when the heroine found about it, she would have to shoot him. I now have a sticky note on my computer: “DO NOT EAT PRETZEL STICK WHILE READING THE ROMANCE MAN BLOG!”
Thanks Lynne. I thought the scene was funny.
See comment above ^
Hi RM!
I’m taking the middle ground on this one.
A great many romance novels have the guys speaking like women “want” to hear and it’s totally unrealistic, but then again, this is romance and romance is very much based on female fantasy.
Although I absolutely despise it when I read a male character who says things that guys just don’t say, your dialogue needs to be tempered for the FEMALE audience. As written, it would only work if your readers were male.
Victoria
Thanks Victoria. I am curious to see what she comes up with for her male dialogue.
BTW, I have lived in a house full of men for over 20 years. The men in my books talk like men!
I am going to give her a copy of one of your books that may help her. Is there one you recommend?
Not unless she writes hsitoricals! All of my characters are 18th century men!
Oh, I would like to read that dialogue.
I would love to read your book
Lmao, you made me laugh so hard!
Play nice or she may just put ya in The dog house
Thanks Kayla
Yeah Lexie! I am sorry she fired you – but it was hilarious! I am sure you will shout it from the roof tops when her books get published (yes I mean books). Your support for her is amazing – she is so lucky. I can’t wait to read her books.
Now your dialogue would probably be in an RL Mathewson Neighbors from Hell book. those Bradford boys have no filter. Sometimes I like to read how men really think!
I will have to tell her about those books and see if it helps her. Thanks Kim.
If I wanted to hear the idiot things guys say, I would listen to my husband when he talks. Having said that, I could never, ever write any kind of book, so kudos to you RM (and your wife) for giving it a shot. I’ll read your wife’s book when it’s published.
Thanks Kris
LMAO! RM, love the dialogue advice, but yeah I think maybe it needs a slight tweaking…
Way to go Lexie! Writing is SO. FUCKING. HARD, but once you get the bug… you are totally screwed lol. There is no getting off that crazy train now your on it.
Glad you are awesome and support Lexie with her writing, RM, my hubs is the same and his encouragement makes all the difference.
Thanks Sheri, I am very proud of her for trying because it really is a hard thing to do.
*DYING*
LMAO, RM, when you’re right, you’re right, but when you’re wrong…. xD
Personally, I’d get a kick out of reading dialogue like that. Just not in a romance novel–unless that kind of talk was coming from the bad guy.
<3,
-J
Really? Why?
Like your wife said, it is offensive. It’s not something a girl wants to hear a guy is thinking about her. It would make sense if you had the bad guy using that kind of dialogue, but not the hero. Even if it isn’t true to life, for most girls, we just don’t want to know that’s the kind of stuff you’re thinking. Ya know?
<3,
-J
Women are weird. I would love it if a group of women were wondering how big my dick is.
Some of us do talk about that stuff every now and then, but usually just with our best buds, and very privately. We speculate, particularly if the dude appears to be dating material.
<3,
-J
LOL
Lexie, this is awesome news! I can’t wait to read your book, hon. Congrats on finding your passion. It sounds like you’re flying through it! Let me know if you need anything. Since you no longer have an assistant, I’d be happy to help. Ruthie actually said she thinks I write the best male dialogue.
Remy, stick to the fanfic stuff.
She wanted to ask you Gina but I told her not to bother you till you were done with your book.
And your male dialogue isn’t better than mine dammit.
And, yes, I am.
Are you seriously suggesting you write better male dialogue then me, a male.
More realistic? Not necessarily. But better? Absolutely. *lol*
I’m currently not on deadline, so she can bother me as much as she wants right now.
I challenge you to a male dialogue writing duel.
Welcome home Gina…love your avatar!!!
Mr. RM: I thinks your wife is awsome. But you already know that. Romance novel’s heroes are allowed to think like that but not to say it out loud…they don’t want to offend the sensibilities of the heroine. Hey, I know they are ficticious, but I am a romantic. I still remember the face of my boyfriend when he realised that he said something that could have been considered offensive, (it was kind flattering, actually but don’t tell him), he was pale as a ghost and started to stammer.
What did he say?
Well, I’m not quite sure if it’s an accurately translation (because he said it in spanish), but it was something like “You are so hot, want me to check your oil levels?”…And I said “What?!”
Ok that’s pretty bad. I like your avatar
Thank you! My kids designed it for me.
I think that if i want you to see my comments then i need to make them down here. So you really only say that once a day? Really? Hmmmmm. Anyway, I think it’s awesome that lexie’s writing a book. I wish her all the luck in the world. Thank goodness she has someone so wonderful to go to for advice. I mean Ruthie, not you
.
Your not funny Scarlet. Just kidding but I do give good advice.
Yes, I am funny
. And I was joking cupcake 
.
Well, it was your idea, the least she could do is include your man dialogue!
.
Okay i must ask, because though i pride myself on being sharp, sometimes i prove myself wrong because i just don’t get it. Is the carpet and drapes thingie a double entendre?
LOL – yes, Luci. Carpet meaning natural hair color displayed by one’s nether region, and drapes meaning the natural, or not so natural, color of one’s hair (on their head).
OMG! Gina you just saved my ass from a stoopid comment!
I had no idea that is what it meant! I was thinking, why would a man care about a woman’s carpet and drapes??
THANK YOU
I don’t know what a double entendre is
Thanks Gina! See I was sure something was not right and that men would never literally wonder about drapes and carpets.
RM – Double entendre – a word that has a connotation different from its literal one. So, did the drapes match the carpet?
You mean Lexie’s carpet?
Well yeah. Don’t think you managed to check the heroine’s carpet out since Lexie fired you.
Yes Lexie’s carpet mayches her drapes but she doesn’t have any carpet anymore.
Luci: I understood right away because of thirteen years of marriage with the afore mented boyfriend. Before that I would have been as lost as you.
oh my, I forgot our anniversary was two weeks ago, so fourteen years.
Congrats on the 14 years Grettel! Well, i consider myself well read on these expressions but i am always eager to learn more
. I was pretty sheltered as a young girl – i learnt loads in the 20 years i have been with my husband 
Thank you! well, It seems we have things in common. Have a wonderful night!
BTW Lexie, we are all so proud of you! You go girl!! You have one buyer right her
.
i meant right here of course.
Thanks Lucie
Tears in my eyes laughing out lout at work. Better than any YouTube video!!
Thanks Kate
Oh, I am on the fence here. Men do think/talk like that. I know my hero has at least thought about it since my heroine has dark red hair. But is he going to say it “out loud”? Probably not.
My most challenging dialogue has been between two male best friends, trying to strike the balance between guy talk and real emotional intimacy.
Congrats to Lexie! Write on!
I’ll write it for you!
Just don’t get the guys to hug each other.
LOL Don’t worry.
LOL – that is so funny. RM we love your crassness but I have to agree with Lexie it might be a little too piggish for a romance novel. I can tell you that stripper comment was so out of left field and absolutely the best thing I read all day!
In a way this is how I got started writing (without the crude male talk thing). I have always had lots and lots of ideas but never felt that I would be able to pull of actually writing them. I am a horrible speller and I am slightly dyslexic. Scott on the other hand is a great speller and writer. He took an idea I had for a young adult book and wrote it. While watching him go through that I realized I might be able to also. It did take me a while (I have two boys under the age of 10) about six or seven months. It is a paranormal romance that now sits on my shelf waiting for me to try to get it published. Now I have four projects I am currently working on and more ideas then I know what to do with. I am so excited for Lexie — she will do a awesome job!
Lots of luck on getting published Alix!
You’re not alone, Alix, I am a terrible speller and English was my worst subject at school. So I’ve had to start from scratch. It’s a hard slog, but I’ve found my passion and it’s so worth it.
Good luck with your book!
Thanks Alix! i would like to read your book.
Thank you Lucie and Sheri!
RM – I will email you
I can hardly wait to read Lexie’s novel!
However, your first thought was “I wonder if she shaves?” before “Nice tits”? I always thought there was a guy radar that honed in on the rack before all else.
Nice tits was my first though I guess, than ass then the shaving part
RM, you are expecting realistic dialog from a ROMANCE novel? The same books where the main character is this virile ex marine, who makes a million bucks a year building houses in the middle of nowhere, takes the engine out of his truck with one arm and rebuilds it while changing a baby’s diaper on the other, can go from doing that to cooking a gourmet meal and then spend the entire night giving his wife 500 orgasms while selflessly limiting himself to one, then goes to work on 1/2 hour sleep……. *lol*. Realism isn’t where it is at….and woe betide those who are more realistic, I’ll tell you. Half her fan base wanted to put Kirsten Ashley on the rack for her more darker books, “Knight” and “At Peace”, because her main characters acted like, well, many men do…..
meanwhile, of course, the double standard exists, and for once women are the chief perps..sample dialog of my wife reading my novel, the one I have been working on through three presidents (that is the kind crap you don’t review, you drive a stake through it, cut off the header and footer area and burn it so it can’t come back from the dead)
Her (my wife): This section is dreadful…a woman, especially a 40 year old woman, doesn’t admire herself in the mirror and say “I’m hot” to herself, especially not in 6″ stripper heels, she is going to sit there,barefoot and bare assed, finding wrinkles, hairs, extra fat or anything that they can use to bolster the belief they are turning into their mother…..
Me: But it is hot for her to say that, it shows what kind of woman she is….
Her: That is a guy speaking, not a woman. May I also add that the odds of a woman having a 38DD chest is about as likely as you being asked to pitch for the Yankees, that if she did have that kind of chest in her forties she would not be wearing a low cut top without a bra because otherwise she would be tucking them into her pants…..
Me: Yeah, but that is hot…….
Her: figures….and she wouldn’t walk into a sports bar in a mini skirt and 6″ heels and order a side of ribs and a beer, that is not a woman….
Me(sighing): Anything else?
Her: Yes, she wouldn’t proposition the waitress in said restaurant and ask her home for a threesome after feeling her up and french kissing her while boyfriend sat there drooling……..
(This was after her reading the first half of the first page of a 600 page book, and these are the nice comments).
On the other hand, WE know the truth, RM, so we can take comfort in that, at least, about what men are REALLY like:)
And remember what the old guy said on King Fu, that font of wisdom:
“Grasshopper, remember, man who reviews his wife’s book, better be best friends with his own hands” (dedicated to the late Key Luke and the late David Carradine, proof that tv is dangerous to your health)
LOL. yeah I want to go out like Carradine did.
Hanging naked in a closet in Bangkok, asphyxiated while masturbating? Aim higher than that, Romance Man!
What it sounds like fun.
Not the dying part. No way…
NJBill that was awesome! I am over 40 I don’t wear 6 inch heels but I have stood in front of the mirror naked and thought I looked pretty good. Now Nick Cage is not going to come over to my house and drag me away…but maybe I am just a tiny bit of the market…
OH! Mr.njbill: I read Kristen Ashley’s Knight last week and It thrilled me. There is a warning for readers because Knight is more like an anti-heroe. To be honest, he gave me goosebumps. I liked him. He is a lovely heroe in a very dark way.
I wouldn’t mind reading that type of dialogue in a book and it does sound really realistic. I am sure it IS something that men would comment on between them and not just think.
There is an expression in Maltese that i find offensive though. Its when men are talking about a woman and saying that she is totally fuckable : ‘Kieku nifqaghha ma hajt’. Meaning i would totally smash her (meaning fuck the living daylights out of her) against a wall. I probably found it so offensive because the guy had a girlfriend but was talking about another woman. Just thought it was a very crude way to say it behind his girlfriend’s back.
That is pretty crude
I…I…I ROFTLMAO!!!
I think your dialog was spot on. I was asked once of the “trim matched the paint” I waited til he took a sip of his beer and replied “You’ll never know cause I am trimless.” He choked as I walked away.
LOl great response.
Classic!
When am I going to learn my lesson no drinking coffee while reading your posts? I was reading along just fine and then the carpet matching the drapes made me spit my beloved coffee all over my desk…lmao. First, I loved the male perspective and would totally laugh if I read it in a book. But, it wouldn’t endear him to me as a hero. As a jack*ss best friend he would rock. Who doesn’t have that friend who says super inappropriate things, but you love them anyways?
Yeah I tried to change it to his friend but I was already fired by then.
I love that Lexie is writing her own book! It’s that kind of fire inside that gets you started and keeps you going! Go Lexie!
Personally, I started out liking very idealized dialogue in romance novels. Now, I’m just as interested in realistic dialogue, but it’s really hard to get just right.
I got it right Elisabeth and Ruthie bitch slapped me and got me fired.
Well, the example you gave about the carpet and the drapes is pretty overt, but there are lots of gradations of realism that are/are not accepted. Like most everything else in life, it’s subjective whether you like it or not.
I have no idea what you mean you are too smart for this blog. It’s like you went to Yale or something.
Funny, most of the time, I don’t think I’m smart enough for this blog.
Thanks Elisabeth, the hardest part for me is the dialogue
Dialogue can be tricky, because you want it to sound real, but you need it to impart information. Keep at it! I am really excited for you!!!
If you’re the Matador, dear one, I think you just got bested by the bull. I agree with Lexie and Ruthie and all the others who commented that yeah, it’s a coffee-spewing-funny line, but the hero doesn’t say it. Attribute it to one of the guys in the group and the hero can be a hero by calling him crass.
By the way, what color WAS her hair that he had to comment in the first place?
Blonde but I want her to be a redhead.
I think it is excellent that Lexie is writing a book and she has my full support. Anything she needs.
And, RM, I think you have a book in you too. I have one. It has princesses and horsies in it. All you have to do is take these crayons, color it in, sign your initials at the bottom, and we will say you wrote a book. Okay, Matador?
How come every time I read your post I think of dolphins.
Because I’m as smart as a dolphin or you are as dumb as one? It’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it, fish boy? Kind of like, oh, I don’t know, male dialogue?
Just because you don’t understand the intricacies of male dialogue doesn’t mean I’m a dolphin.. Wait does this even make sense?
I am frightened to the depths of my soul that I understood what you were trying to say. I need to go lie down.
Yep unfortunately it does
LOL, you’re killing me.
Thank you Diane, he has been replaced by someone much smarter
Night people! Hope you had a great start to your week.
night, night
Just got home from work, its 2pm here and already there are 130 comments on this post!!
I am LSHITICAR!!! Nothing more to say on this at this time
What is LSHITICAR mean?
Lexie, keep on writing. You sound like you have the passion, and there are some wonderful romance authors who are only too happy to help. Don’t be shy about asking questions, I’m only too happy to help, I remember when I started out, someone took me under her wing and I learned so much about the industry.
I have a question, how does one upload an Avatar?
Go to gravatar.com and follow instructions. Very easy.
I already have an Avatar connected to my wordpress blog. No idea how to get it to show up here.
Technology is effin hard! LOL
thank you Selena, I have lots of questions
No problem, Lexie, El Matador has my email address and my book.
Kudos to your wife and yes you should be very proud of her. I not only give her credit for writing but more importantly for firing you.. You see, its a hard thing for us to do. Men get so excited to tell us they took out the garbage, but they never replace the liners. Or how proud of themselves they are for cooking, when all they did was flip some burgers. We make the salads, beans, cook the corn and go to the store. They gladly offer us their vehicle, but there’s never any gas in it. And now they want to write our romance novels. Sorry, we just cant let men do that. It’s our line in the sand. If we wanted to know how men felt, we’d read Field and Stream. And before you say it, I know, I know, I will have to revisit this conversation the next time I need something heavy lifted.
(I agree, the comment about the stripper pole wins comment of the day, hands down)
LOL great post and Ladybugs comments were hysterical.
I know want you mean.
Thanks, Grettel
Oh my, I’m crazy, but still know what you mean.
Heidi, you are so right about everything
Thanks Lexie, It’s nice to meet you
If someone doesn’t tell me what LSHITICAR means I’m gonna flip out.
Laughing So Hard I Think I Cracked A Rib (I googled it)……..
Oh, thank you. I didn’t know you could google that
RM – heads up. A person can google just about anything. Just sayin’.
that term was used a long time ago on this blog. That is where I learned it
I have been napping, sorry I didn’t clear that up RM.
You’d be surprised at what Google will get you….
You should be terrified at what Google will get you…
Google is my friend! Bwahahaha
First off: how wonderful that your wife has found a creative way to express herself. I hope the book can be published because I’d imagine she has lots of HOT experience to work off of (she is married to THE MATADOR). Secondly: some of us are readers and some of us are writers. The writers write what the readers read and review. Even after having read thousands of romance novels I could not for the life of me write one. I’m like you, in that I have ideas but no constructive way to put a story on paper. No muse. I think that’s what a writer has that we readers don’t – that little voice inside that drives them to construct an actual story from that little voice. Many writers have characters that wake them up at night and demand to be written. I think that you, RM, haven’t found your true talent, yet. Just the fact that you tried something new makes me think that there is something inside you ready to burst forth and conquer that creative urge that you know you have inside. Until then, this blog is pretty darn amusing for us readers and personally, if I can’t read your romance novel then perusing what you write here brings me a level of amusement that I cannot find anywhere else. Even when you don’t post something funny but perhaps meaningful and heartfelt it’s still great to know that there is a sensitive man out there who is willing to bear his soul to those who are looking for ways to deflect their own angst-y lives. Lastly; I love the interaction between you and your wife because it’s honest reality. No punches. Not to be confused with BDSM crap either and that would be a subject for another RM blog.
Thank you and you are exactly right about the writing part. Some people can and some can’t. I can’t, I am a blogger and I think that is about as creative as I get and I’m ok with that.
Just a blogger?? Are you kidding? Your like the pied piper of bloggers. You play your little pipe, and we all follow you. Uh..maybe I should say big pipe? Anyway… We follow you wherever you go!
)
Thanks Pat
You know, RM, I was the same as you. I had this great idea for a book, so I sat down and wrote a few pages. Then I thought “What the FUCK was I thinking?? This is fucking HARD!”.
Now if I had been smart, I would have buried it under the virtual trash bin and never mentioned to a soul. But NOOOOO, I had to open my mouth and tell Kate Douglas. Everybody knows Kate right? The multi-published author of books, lifetime author award winner, etc., etc., etc.
She laughed gently at me when I told her writing was hard. And she kindly did not suggest I stick to something I know, like shoveling snow. She gave me some advice, which I am damned if I can remember now.
I think my abortive attempt at writing is over. I will happily read, eat chocolate, and collect Nancy Drew books. Things I can do while sitting on my ass. Pretty good at that.
Amen Kermie! I’ll be sitting right next to you.
Kermie that is hilarious! I hope Kate doesn’t hear that her wonderful advice was all for naught
just kiddin, of course
No worries, mate! (I see my Aussie accent has returned). *shrug*
I heard.
You are better than me – I tried to write a blog and failed. But I get these plot lines in my head and then I just find someone to give them away to. All I can write are technical manuals.
What kind of blog?
WHAT? YOU FORGOT MY ADVICE? Well, damn…so did I,though I imagine that if it was what I usually say, it was along the lines that if you know you’re meant to write, NEVER give up. Same goes for you RM. NEVER GIVE UP.
Kermie, you’re allowed to give up for now, but if you decide to take another shot, drop me a note.
I just finished a story; the plot was great, I loved it (paranormal,of course), but the writer was not very good. Dialogue sucked (go figure) and the sex scenes were weak. I saw such potential in that story! I thought to myself “I oughta take the story and write it the way I want it, just to please myself.” But then I decided, naw, thats too much work!!
It is a lot of work. I have enough trouble writing a blog.
Hi there! fancy meeting you here. I hardly ever am on at the same time you are
I know why is that?
its the 3 hour time difference from Florida to Las Vegas. Only those times when you’re up past your bedtime do we seem to talk live
Oh, well you need to move here then.
Is that an invitation? Do you and Lexie have a room for me? I have lived there before you know
Hey, I’m on the West Coast – am I invited too? No wait, the East is in a huge heat wave. No thanks.
Kermie, my heart is in Denver, but I just flipped to a news page, and Denver is in a heat wave!!! 104 today!
Where did you live?
Kermie is in Canada somewhere
LG I meant where did you live in FL?
Oh
my address was in Longwood. I got to see the space shuttle launch from my backyard
Man you were right by me. How long ago was that?
Longwood, 1984. with my husband. he hated Florida. made life miserable for everyone. I was amazed at the humidity. I grew up in Austin TX and didn’t think the humidity was worse anywhere. . but I was wrong.
That is a very nice area
You probably weren’t a Vet back then were you? We have a friend in Winter Park who is a vet last name Mcabee
Nope. that was long before I thought I was smart enough to be a vet.
It is so cool to have an idea of your location, within the location. There is a hug vet conference in Orlando every January. Its the biggest in the nation. I was there last year. Too bad I didn’t know you then.
Next year then.
Cool. would love that
After working in an office with nothing but women for several years and telling my husband what we talk about and HOW we talk about it..my husband swears we are worse than men. Women are horny assholes, we just seem to hide it better. I say hire him back as a consultant at the very least
You are so right Jinny.
I ususally am. lol. I’m of the “full of herself” horny asshole variety.
And I can relate to having a book in your head and not being able to get it on paper. I have relationships with characters that don’t exist anywhere except in my brain. But sit me down in front of a computer screen and I can’t get passed a chapter. It’s some kind of messed up.
I know it’s frustrating because I have the entire book in my and no way to get it out.
I have a question for you RM – How far do you think you would have gotten with Lexi, if you actually said what you were thinking about her?
Yes, we all know men “think” like that, but if some man actually spouted that out at me on a date, I would have probably put his ass in the he’s a great beer drinking buddy, but he sure ain’t tappin’ this ass. Romance books may be somewhat fluffy, but there is some realism in them. I think man-talk is funny as heck and I love dishing it right back at em. But to when it comes to wooing a woman, there really are some rules.
I think what you are doing Lexi is amazing. I read alot of books, and I review oodles too and I have a hard enough time coming up with 500 words, let alone 50,000. Keep it up, by the sounds of it you may have found your calling.
Good point Toni I would have gotten far with her but in my defense the hero was talking to his buddies about the heroine, she wasn’t there.
AHA – then yeah, total man-talk works. Women are just as nasty and dirty as men. Oh man, you should be a fly on the wall at some of our girls’ nights. WOW!
that’s what I have been saying all along. You guys are as bad us as.
I believe this blog is evidence that girls are just as bad as guys when it comes to what we are willing to say
I agree ladybug. i have been saying that from the beginning
Ahhh, but RM, most of the time in the novel we find out sha walked in, and was hanging in the shadows, and hears the whole thing!!! :O
Oh yes, the Whoops I overheard his asshat comments scenario and now I am hurt and angry at him.
It’s funny because I did have her overhear him but she wasn’t mad. instead she whispered in his ear “there is no carpet”. Damn I thought it was good.
OK – I’m sorry Lexi – Put in that context that he was trash talking with the guys and she overhears him and calls him on it – LOVE IT!! and no I’m not sucking up – It showed the woman had spunk
Thanks Toni. I knew I was right. it showed she was tough and could handle herself.
After all those books you seriously asked if the carpet matched the drapes?? Turn it into some internal angsty dialogue with different wording then add a little masturbation and maybe it would be more erotic and not asshole-ish. Actually – if her hero does THAT at a table full of men I’d be more than happy to read your review.
I love that you guys talk to Ruthie. It’s like getting inside knowledge on one of my favorite authors.
Ruthie is awesome and one of the smartest people I know.
I have to say you made my last 2hrs at work go fast,reading and laughing at everyones comments.
When I was around 12, my friends and I would write new shows for Charlies Angels. Keeping the characters lines straight on who said what and who was where was a task. It was allot of fun. We even did some Love Boat and Fantasy Island episodes. I wish I still had them. It would be a riot to read them now that I’m all grown up.
As to writing, I have ideas but I don’t have the discipline required to do it. I am first and foremost a reader.
Me too Granny
Can’t WAIT to read your review or your parody on romances- LOL. I’m curious, though: did you ever review Maya Banks’ The Darkest Hour? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the idea of a military family setting up a type of black ops organization (and the romance, of course
). Glad you’re back!
I have not read it yet. I have so many books to rad and so little time. But I will be reading it soon.
URL, I have been begging him for months to read that book. Maybe he will listen to you!
I know Diane and I have it and I am going to read it. I have just been busy writing my wife’s book.
No, no, I’m not talking to you about that book anymore. I replied to URL because she has excellent taste in books. So, URL, how did you feel about Rachel? I thought Maya Banks did a fantastic job showing the difficult journey of healing Rachel had to take.
It is a really great book. Someone, who shall remain nameless but his initials are RM, will probably really like it when he finally reads it…..
ladybug! Do you think if you say there is a stripper scene in the book, we can trick him into reading it?
Next KGI book in one week. I’m psyched!
You know him too well.
RM– there is a really well written, super detailed stripper scene in The Darkest Hour. Hey– look– The Darkest Hour just jumped to the top of the TBR pile
.
Diane– I have it on pre-order and I am so excited!
I’m with you sis, LadyB reminded me to pre order!!
Well why didn’t you say so. I’m starting now
Still laughing. I’m a reader, and my DH is always telling me to write a book. That’s a scary concept for me. My DH would never critique as it’s just not his thing.
But I love reading your blog, and this absolutely got me lmao. Thank YOU….lol
Darcy
Thanks Darcy!
Whooee Darcy….quite an avatar!!!
What do I win for my stripper comment? If it is your undying admiration and respect, nah– I’m good
. If it is a signed copy of Lexie’s book after it is published, then yes– that would be great! But I would love the outtake version complete with the carpet/drape dialogue and whatever other manly diatribe you came up with. Maybe you two could write a bonus version of Lexie’s book where your alternate dialogue is included…….. Just a thought….. 
LOL you should win something cause that comment was awesome. Lexie’s book will do – my version of it.
I’m with you Ladybug, can’t wait for Maya Banks latest!! That reminds me to pre-order it. I need a job to pay for all my books!! NAAH!
NAAH is right. I work from home and have an 8-yr-old and 4-yr-old with me since it is summer. All that is really cutting into my reading time. I love being able to be both a stay-at-home mom and work part-time, but I wouldn’t mind a little retirement every once in a while
The problem is the job helps pay for the books but you have no time to read them. So you do things like spend your lunch hour eating pb&j in front of a computer monitor so you can play on a blog about roamnce books!
romance, the word is spelled romance.
Ok, I am with Lexie and Ruthie!
Personally, I have never been asked if my drapes matched my carpet and if I was asked that it would be a major turn-off! That is a bit too crass! (I think if that is the 1st or 2nd thing you think of —- it needs to be kept in your mind!) LOL Crazy Man!
BUT… I do like your perspective even if it is a bit OFF at times!
Thanks Tracy I still I’m right dammit
Whatever…
My husband always thinks he is right too……
Allow me to point out that the primary problem with the dialogue was that it was the first scene in the book. It’s one thing for a “hero” the reader’s already met to contemplate the color of the heroine’s bush, and it’s quite another to MEET him at that moment. Why not just put a hat on him that reads, “O hai, I am a misogynist asshole!”
Ok, Ok. I’m not going to argue with you cause I will lose.
Thank you, Ruthie. RM is right–you ARE a smart lady!
Guys just don’t GET IT sometimes, ya know?
Diane, Pat and LadyBug – you do know that Maya Banks has an enovella coming out focused on Rachel and Ethan right? I have that on pre order too!
Lucie– I had no idea. How did I miss that? When is it coming out?
Ladybug its called Softly at Sunrise. As Diane said it is out 21st August. I love siblings book series especially when you get to see the characters in multiple books.
Thanks, Lucie. I just pre-ordered it and I am super excited! Just called my sister to share the wonderful KGI news! She showed the proper enthusiasm
.
Marie Force has a series about siblings – called the Gansett Island Series. It’s really good too. So far there are six books in the series. Very well written, and sexy…….
CMarie i have the first three or four on my Kindle must just set my mind to start readingthem! Am going througha Highlander phase at the moment- readingPaula Quinn’sChildren of the Mist series- siblingsseries too- verra good
Luci, I did know that but thanks for the reminder. It comes out 8/21, ladybug. I’m looking forward to that too because I have a soft spot for Rachel and Ethan. I like that Maya Banks has shown in the later books that they are still working through things and that Rachel still has issues.
Me too. I love that part.
Go away. I don’t care if this is your blog. You had your chance. I have found other people who want to talk romance books with me.
I GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!
What movie is that from
Isn’t that from An Officer and A Gentleman? And I believe it is
I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!
Very good Ladybug.
RM, thats Officer and Gentleman
Oops, didn’t see that Ladybug had it already. But you knew when you asked didn’t you.
Diane– I love Rachel and Ethan, too! My sister introduced me to Maya Banks and the KGI series. She got serious sister points for that. She has actually introduced me to most of my favorites. I had to take a hiatus from reading books not written by Eric Carle and Dr. Seuss for a few years, but I’m back with a vengeance. She made me earn certain book suggestions, refusing to cast her literary pearls before swine
.
I am loving this new blog format where you can reply directly to people. It’s more like having a regular conversation but you still have time to duck and run for cover. MY thought on the “carpet/drapes” comment is to agree with Ruthie. That’s something you can let the hero say once you’ve created a connection between him and the reader, but not before because that first impression when reading a romance is huge. And that’s a pretty piss-poor impression, IMHO.
What makes a romance work is the emotional connection readers feel for the characters. Once you have that, you can get away with just about anything. EVEN crude language from a guy who really SHOULD know better! (and yes, my age is showing here–I can write the nastiest sex in the world, but I like to think it’s got enough style that it is never dirty. Does that make sense?) The carpet/drapes thing comes across as crass because you haven’t established the hero’s true character yet.
And because I’ve got a book coming out today, I’ll be MIA for most of it. Lots of promo stuff to do. And yes, in this respect, I have no pride. I want those suckers to sell so I can keep writing them!
Have a wonderful day, and be sure and NOT cut RM any slack. Ever. You have to keep him on his toes…
So if it’s later on the book it’s ok?
You are both ( Ruthie and Kate) very smart ladies. That’s exactly what I would think if I read that conversation at the first meeting. I’m just a reader…..but….
I’d like to know what Kate thinks is a nasty sex scene. Just refer to the book and the scene, I will find it (cuz I’ve read all of ‘em).
Kate has STYLE
I want a LIKE button on here….cannot find it anywhere…
I agree! where is that LIKE button? I haven’t seen one either. Has anyone else?
Do you mean the like button for the post?
If thats the 1, it is right at the end of the post before the comments
As someone who has used the carpet/drapes thought for my hero in my current book, I would like to clarify, that although initially I balked at the idea of using it, it worked well within the context of his internal point of view. The hero is actually not talking about the heroine, but of someone else, and his train of thought, while in his deep point of view led to his thinking this. It worked well in my case, because the reader already knows the hero at this point, and the comment (in his head) was appropriate, because I had the hero in deep POV, contemplating something that led to this thought.
In summary, when using realistic male thought for hero’s, one has to use it in the right context and the right time and it also has to connect to the story.
I hope all that made sense.
Yep it did Selena!! What’s your book’s title again?
Hi, Lexie, the title is – What A Girl Wants.
Drop me a line if you have any questions.
Psh, I’d have you write male dialogue for me! But I’m kind of a jackass like that. The heroines I come up with tend to be rather offensive sometimes. But I write how I think.
… I’m never getting published.
Of course I’d have to finish something first.