I have been attempting to write a book – a parody on romance novels. I have the idea and the plot and all of the characters in my head but I can’t write it – because WRITING.IS.FUCKING.HARD. I can’t write prose or back story or any of those things. So although I have the entire book in my head I cannot transfer it to paper. Well, a while ago my wife said “let me see if I can help you” and I told her the story I wanted to write and she sat down and wrote 3000 words completely outlining my book and it was really good. I was shocked I didn’t know she had this hidden talent – she didn’t know she had this hidden talent. So I told her that she should write a romance novel because I think she could do it. So that night she sat down and wrote 6000 words and began her journey as a writer. She is up to 25000 words and I think it is really good and I am very proud of her. The book may never get published but I am proud of her for trying. It doesn’t matter either way because for years she has been working her ass off and she has found something that she loves and I am happy for her – she deserves it. But we had an agreement that I would write the male dialogue. So she explains the scene she is working on – which is a group of men sitting in a diner – and asks me to write the dialogue. So I did and this is what happened next.
Her: What is wrong with you? You can’t put this in a romance novel.
Me: Why? What’s wrong with it?
Her: It’s offensive.
Me: How in the hell is it offensive? That’s how men talk.
Her: You can’t have the hero say about the heroine “I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes”.
Her: Because it’s piggish. Is that the first thing you thought about me when we met?
Me: No it was the second thing.
Her: What was the first?
Me: Whether you shave or not.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: What? You wanted male dialogue that’s how we talk.
Her: It makes the hero look like an asshole.
Me: So you don’t really want to know how men talk you want to write how you think men talk.
Her: No. We know how men talk but romance is fiction and we want to pretend you aren’t idiots.
Me: You’re wrong, in case you haven’t noticed I am The Romance Man and women like the fact that I provide a male perspective. Email Kate I bet she agrees with me.
Her: No Kate is trying to finish her book I don’t want to bother her.
Me: Then email Ruthie, she knows all of the rules of romance and I guarantee she will agree with me.
Later that day
Her: I emailed Ruthie and she thinks you’re a fucking idiot and told me not to listen to you.
Me: What? Ruthie did not say that. Let me see the email.
So I looked at the email and Ruthie completely threw me under the bus. She didn’t say I was an idiot but she did agree with my wife which really surprised me because I thought my dialogue was good but apparently it was too realistic. So you know what my wife did? She fuckin’ fired me. She told me I cannot help her with her book anymore and that I can’t even read it till she’s done. I hope the book does get published because I can’t wait to write the review. NO ONE FIRES THE MATADOR.