Every romance novel ends with the hero and heroine solving their problems and deciding they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together and the book ends. Nobody ever tells us what it’s like twenty years later – until now. Jack and Lily are the names for our hero and heroine and they are typical of almost any hero and heroine in any romance book. Back in the day they saved each other from whatever internal and external conflicts there were and they got married. They are now Jack and Lily Smith and live in the suburbs.
“Will you please get off the couch and help clean my mother is coming over. And put some clothes on geez you can’t just sit around in your underwear” Lily said to Jack.
“Why can’t I sit around in my underwear and why the hell is she coming over again?” Jack replied as he took another bite of his donut.
“Because your underwear is gross and because she is my mother” Lily said sternly.
“I know she’s your mother I’ve seen her every fucking day for twenty years. Jesus can’t we have one day alone?” Jack said angrily.
“Why it’s not like we do anything except sit around because you hate to go out and do anything and God knows the last time you had sex with me” said Lily.
“Maybe I would have sex with you more if you didn’t nag me so much” Jack immediately regretted that statement.
“WHAT.THE.FUCK.DID.YOU.SAY?” said Lily clearly pissed.
“Nothing what do you want me to do to help” Jack said.
“OH NO, you just called me a nag. Maybe if you did more around the house instead of sitting on your fat ass I wouldn’t have to constantly ask for help” Lily yelled.
“My fat ass? MY FAT ASS? What about – you know what never mind” Jack yelled back.
“Go ahead say it Jack I’m fat go ahead and say it”
“WE WENT TO SEA WORLD AND PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO FEED YOU FISH” Jack yelled.
‘WELL AT LEAST I DIDN’T LOSE MY JOB AS A FIREFIGHTER FOR BEING FAT” Lily screamed back.
Lily hung her head and said “I’m sorry. What happened to us Jack? We never fought like this”.
“I don’t know” Jack replied.
“You were my hero Jack – remember? Remember how we hated each other at first for no reason and then inexplicably fell in love two days later? Remember when you saved me from that burning building? And remember when that serial killer was after me and the police told me not to leave the house but I decided to go for a walk at midnight through the park – who saved me Jack? You did. And after all of that I still pushed you away because of all that unexplained internal conflict. Remember that? And you, you were a wild man sleeping with thousands of women and I was a virgin but I was the only one able to tame you. Remember all of that Jack? And remember how I helped you overcome all of your internal conflict and helped you realize that all you really wanted was me? And we were able to solve our internal conflict which led to our external conflict and we fell in love. Remember that Jack? And remember the first time you touched my wet mound with your throbbing manhood how I exploded? Remember?”
“I remember” Jack replied.
“And remember how gorgeous we were? You had solid abs and a chiseled jaw and I was a petite blond with perky breasts. Now we’re both fat and we fight all the time”. Said Lily
“It seems like it all started when the baby was born. I just wasn’t prepared for that”. Jack said.
“I know Jack and I’m sorry but I read a romance novel and they didn’t use a condom so I thought it was ok. It’s my fault and I’m sorry”. Lily replied.
“Maybe we can get back to the people we were” said Jack. “We could lose weight and I could get my job back at the fire dept.”
“I think that is a great idea” Lily said enthusiastically.
After 6 months of sweatin’ to the oldies Jack and Lily have lost all of their weight. Jack has gotten his job back as a firefighter and heads to work for his first day back. He anxiously walks up to the firehouse and opens the door. All of his old buddies are staring in disbelief at the chiseled man in front of them. Jack proudly stands in front of them and scans each face. After a moment of silence Jack says
“I’M BACK MOTHER FUCKERS”