“My bones hurt”. Those words are tattooed on my brain, the sound and pitch of her voice is something I will never forget or the expression on her face. It was Saturday, April 16, 2005 and we were at a soccer game and I asked my sister why she was limping. Her oldest daughter and my oldest daughter are the same age and were best friends since birth and they played all sports together. As a result we spent every Saturday at soccer games together. I knew something was really wrong my sister was tough as hell and never complained. The following Thursday she was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. As cancer goes ovarian cancer is one of the worst and survival rates are dismal. The doctors tried to offer hope but we knew my sister had just been sentenced to death. She was 37 years old. Two years later on May 25, 2007 she died. This Friday will be five years.
My sister was an amazing woman. She was the greatest big sister anyone could ask for and she was a great friend. She always defended me even when I did the indefensible. Growing up she would force me to play barbies with her or make me sit in a chair so she could practice putting make up on me so she would get it right when she put it on herself. I hated doing that but I could never say no to her and I’m glad I didn’t because those are the memories I have now.
When I got out of the Navy I moved back here and my sister introduced me to her best friend who would later become my wife. Over the next twelve years my wife and I and my sister and her husband were always together. I talked to her on the phone a hundred times a day we were as close as a brother and sister can be.
I have a lot of guilt because I was not nearly as good a brother as she was a sister. I would get mad at her when she would call me when I was working and sometimes I didn’t treat her as well as she deserved. When she was diagnosed I prayed every night to a God I don’t even believe in to take me instead of her. It made no sense, why take the best one this family had every seen? She asked me once to go to her doctor’s appointment and I made some excuse as to why I couldn’t go. I told her I had an appointment or something but the truth is I was a complete coward. I knew the news would be bad and I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it.
My sister was a Christian, a non-judgmental Christian and my lack of religion always bothered her. She spent her last four days on earth praying for me instead of worrying about herself. A year after she was diagnosed my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. My sister was more upset about that then she had been about her own diagnosis.
Her death threw me into a frenzy of alcohol and pills. It is difficult to watch someone you love so much die. This year is the first year I will be sober on the anniversary of her death and it is the hardest year yet. Time doesn’t heal all wounds and I miss her more now than ever. I am struggling. I feel like I am in a tug of war between the man I was right after she died and the man I am now. I desperately want to go back to the gift of numbness provided by the pills and alcohol but I can’t, it isn’t fair to my wife and kids. The thing I always forget is that my wife also lost her very best friend, a friend she was closer to than anyone else. My wife was with her everyday taking care of her. I will never be able to thank my wife for what she did for my sister because the words haven’t been invented yet. My wife never got the chance to morn because she was too busy watching her husband fall apart and she needed to be strong and hold the family together. The past month I have been difficult to live with because I feel like I am losing the tug of war. I have slowly been tugged in the wrong direction. I have been mean to my wife and family members and I cannot go back. I simply can’t.
I’m sorry, I want this site to be funny where people come to laugh and I know I have talked about my sister a lot lately and I have been nauseatingly sappy but that is because I am only capable of writing what is on my mind. That is the real reason for my hiatus. I simply cannot find a way to be funny right now. I will be gone for a while. I don’t know how long but I hope all of you are here when I get back.
Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because there are no early symptoms and by the time it is diagnosed it is usually too late. There is very little money for research because it is a rare cancer. They need money and I would appreciate any donation you could make to them. This is their website.
I love you Leeny Bug.
We'll be here.
My heart hurts for you right now
. XXOO.
My first post. Please don't apologize for needing to have time for yourself and your family. We will be here for you.
So sorry for all you're going through and please take all the time that you need. We are not going anywhere.
Wayne Dyer, who is a recovering alcoholic, once (or twice) said that he begins every day and ends every night on his knees, praying for strength to get through one more day.
RomanceMan, you have made such a huge difference to so many people.
Remember that, and also, keep the cadence 1 , 2 , 3 , 4. Keep moving ahead 1 2 3 4; thats what I do every day. It helps me get out of bed sometimes.
Love to you and Lexie and the girls . . .
Wait a minute . . . so does this mean that your business is doing well?
That is great news!!
(see how you can turn a negative into a positive? not easy, but it has saved my sanity)
I'm so proud you were able to share this with us. I hope you continue your journey of sobriety and know your sister would be proud of you now. Your fans will be here when you get back so no worries on that front.
I wish you well in your journey… Take care of yourself and your family before you even spare a thought for followers of your blog.
There are no words to express my feelings right now. First of all your sister would be very happy to see the man you worked very hard to turn into. She wouln't not want you to fall back. Try and remember that. You don't have to be funny for us. We have come to care for you and Lexie as very close friends, family. We just want you to be you, strong, healthy, the wonderful husband and father you try to be.
We will be here…however long it takes . Be strong…. Love you…….
I have been praying for you and Lexie, RM.
You have been giving clues for some time.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
No one here is judging.
Oh RM. Fuck. We'll be here for you no matter what.
You can't always be funny. No one will fault you for taking time to be with your family. And hey, if someone doesn't like it, it's your site. We'll be here when you get back.
\No one thinks you need to be funny all the time. Your sister sounds like a wonderful person. Spending time with your own family, with your wife–her best friend–is something you should definitely do. Help each other, take care of each other, love each other.
Mr. RM: We'll be here. Go and get your strenght to keep holding on this year. Even now is a blessing that you're able to share this moment with your wife and kids. They'll have you this year and you'll have them. But please feel free to come back if you need to put your grief into words. We love your funny writings but what kind of love takes only laughs? Some of us have experimented losses, too. It's never the same but we understand.
Just remember to breathe in and out purposefully and concentrate on those you love who still very much love and need you. And remember that a piece of her still lives on in you and them. Cherish and honor it. ((Hugs))
Okay, serious time for me too. I am a believer, a Christian and I will be praying for you RM in the days to come. (If I tell you I will pray, I will pray otherwise, I won't tell you!) I have fought my own battles for the past two years (non-substance related) and I thank God that he has strengthened me to carry through even when I question why. Unlike you I have no spouse, no children, no family with the exception of my dear mother but I do have faith and good friends. From the short time I have known you and interacted with you RM, I know you have the strength to get through this time of struggle. Focus on the blessings in your life, your wife, you kids, your family and that is what will strengthen you in the days ahead. If you need a listening ear, you know where we are. All of us who adore you will be here when you return. xoxoxo
RM- You need to take care of yourself. I can't tell you when it will stop hurting, but it will get easier. Losing someone that you dearly love to cancer sucks big time. I can understand why this would be a hard month. December was like that for me years ago. I had a grandmother who died of cancer a week before Christmas. Every now and then I do get blue during that time. So, lean on your family and friends and they will help you get through that time.
Darling RM, I buried two husbands, both of whom I loved dearly. So I know the heartache you are going through. Cherish your sister's memory and cherish your beautiful wife and kids. If I didn't have family, I don't know how I would have gotten through those bleak years. You take the time you need to heal your heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Do what you have to do to heal, we will still be here. In the mean time, love and light romance man. Remember that you can't change the past you can only change the future. Live, Love and Laugh for her because she would do the same for you. Hang in there and talk to her often, she is listening. Hugs~
Thanks for sharing this–my uncle is in the same position, my dad died five years ago, and he was instrumental in getting my uncle sober (smart Irish people like to drink), so when Dad died, my uncle had no choice but to stick with it, or betray Dad's memory (my dad was 15 years sober I think when he died, he'd started very, very early). I'm so very proud of my uncle that he has, indeed, stuck with it, and he's now six years sober, I think?
And my uncle and I are wicked close, closer than we ever would have been if Dad were still alive. So there are bright patches, albeit very…patchy.
This is a lovely tribute.
I know how hard that is. I lost the love of my life in a car accident. It was and still is the biggest pain in my life. There where days I didn't want to go on, but somehow I figure that he would always wants me to go on, and never stop.
RM,
Take all the time you need. Not only do you have your wife and family to help you through this rough and sad time, you also have all of us. Come back and just talk if you need to.we will listen.
We love YOU, the man, not just the funny RM.
crazygranny: DITTO
Prayers to you and your family. So sorry you're going through this. We can feel the love you have for your sister in your writings. We will be here whenever you come back.
What a wonderful tribute to her. Your out pouring of love is abundant. Take the time you need and just breathe. My mom got ovarian cancer at 21. It was a very fast cancer for her, but they caught it in time. Luckily she had me very young and then recently my sister, but we were it. I also lost a friend at 13 from it. Long before they even start checking for that sort of cancer. I may not know your pain, but my heart does go out to you. I'll be thinking of you. Be strong.
RM, don't be sorry. Life is about the bad and the good. The times we laugh and the times we struggle. It is what it is. That you miss her and love her and want what's best for your family is not something to be sorry about.
Ten years ago this October will be the anniversary of the deaths of my twins. I carried them for five months before we found out they were conjoined, with severe birth defects. I felt them kick and roll inside my belly for weeks, knowing there was nothing we could do; the end was inevitable, no matter how much it tore us apart. I spent the first year after their death trying not to kill myself; without my two toddlers, I probably would have lost that fight. My own mother nursed her mom, in her early forties, through terminal breast cancer. Talking with her sometimes, I think that as difficult as some of the things I've experienced have been, I can't imagine how much harder it must be to lose someone you've spent years knowing and loving and walking beside.
Death is never easy, and the people who say the pain fades with time must just be lucky. Mine didn't. Yours may not. But you're right: at some point, the living have to be our focus, no matter how much we miss those who are gone.
Take care. Love on your wife, love on your daughters. Let them love you. Nothing helps heal the heart better.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that your beloved sister died far too young. Missing her as you do is normal but so terribly painful for you and all those who love you. She didn't want to die; she didn't want to leave but had no choice. Her faith sustained her as the love of your wife and children has and will continue to sustain you. Please know the 'what ifs' and regrets are a common experience when someone special dies. She loved you and I suspect if you had ever told her that you wished it were you rather than her she would have been highly pissed. She always did her best to watch after you, but you need to realize that every day-every moment you did the best you could at that time to watch after her. You couldn't fix this…you couldn't make it better. No one could. No one. Please forgive yourself. You are a good and loving man and deserve that forgiveness.
On September 15th 2004 my beloved husband and soul mate died after a three year battle with esophageal cancer. That cancer has a 5 to 10% survival rate, but he battled every day to survive. He left me with our 15 year old son to raise. He did NOT want to die. He wanted to live to see his son grow to manhood. The cancer was stronger that his incredibly strong will.
One thing he said in those last days I wrote in my journal: "I wish you knew how it is to see your beautiful face and sweet smile". It was last September before I could look at that journal. Eight years. It was eight years until I took my wedding ring off and put it away. Eight years until I felt I could look forward to ANYTHING.
You become accustomed to the loss of someone special…I don't think you ever really get over it.
You honor her and her memory with this post.
Please reach out if you need support; so many people care.
This only makes you human. The funny will return. It just takes a hiatus now and then. Rooting for you to be strong for your wife too this time.
Thanks for sharing that. It's really tough, I can't sugarcoat it. My sister was 18 when she died of cancer. 36 years later I can say that some anniversaries are better than others. The 18th was the worst – she'd been gone as long as she'd been here but time did not erase any memories. Honor your sister by remembering the good times. Survivor guilt is normal – don't beat yourself up.
I am so proud of you for finding the strength to honor your sister's memory by remaining sober on this year's anniversary. In my experience (3 mo. old grandson, 57 year old husband) it takes at least five years to begin, just to BEGIN recovering from such a deep loss. I couldn't sit through baby dedications in church for five years after Vance died of accidental suffocation. I couldn't write for five years after John died of prosate cancer. Mother died of suspected ovarian cancer at 78. (((HUGS))) I'll be praying for you, Romance Man. The road will get easier.
I've only recently found your site, but I love it! Hang on and take it one day at a time. You can't change what's happened, and you did the best you could then, but now you know you're capable of doing better. You'll make it, even thru temporary setbacks. Take all the time you need, and if it helps you to blog, then we're here.
No one can be funny all the time and no one here expects you to be. Staying sober this year will be a true test of strength and is a testament to your love for your family and your sister. Those closest to us always seem to take the brunt of our anger and frustration and it is my hope that those same people will be the ones that prop you up when it seems like you can't take anymore. Sharing of yourself makes everyone a little bit better and sometimes can even lighten the load, so even though you made me cry, I thank you for trusting all of us with a little bit of you. I hope you and Lexie find some solace during this very difficult time.
you should never apologize for feeling things deeply. Nobody can be funny all the time. I'm sure your sister and your wife are both very proud of you this year. Your love for your sister shines through in this beautiful post. Hang in there. Bloglandia isn't going anywhere and will be here when you're ready.
I hope someone has told you that it's ok to feel the way you do. It's ok to miss her and it's ok to be pissed that she's gone. You don't have to be that noble. I applaud you for dealing with this with no numbing agents and admitting how tough that is. Cancer touches most of our lives in some way or the other. Everyone has a story. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 35. I had a husband, a career and a 4 year old son. I was lucky. Some aren't. That was 12 years ago and it a distant memory for me now. I am agnostic and believe that the world its meant to be random. Bad things happen to good people no matter how much we hope they won't. So honor your sister. Remember her, grieve for her and hold your family close. They need you as much as you need them.
Take care,
RM, there's really nothing I can add except to say that there's a time for humor and a time for heart, for grief and for learning to cope and move forward. Stay strong and hold on to your memories, because those memories keep your sister alive for not only you and Lexie, but for your daughters, too. And how lucky for you, to have had and still have the love of such good, strong women in your life. You owe it to all of them–and to yourself–to hang on and find your own well of strength. Hugs to you, m'dear. And to Lexie, too.
RM–my heart goes out to you! We don't expect you to be funny all the time, we cherish your honesty. I will be praying for you to have a peaceful and quiet spirit as you remember and celebrate your sister. Please remember that we are here for you to hold you up and listen to you! You don't have to be perfect and grieve perfectly…you can be angry, sad, numb or whatever…we're here for you. I agree with Marc that the people we are closest to sometimes get the brunt of our anger, but hold close to Lexie and your girls. You don't have to be perfect, just let your family comfort you…in whatever form you need.
RM, so sorry you are going through this. I'm keeping you and Lexie in my thoughts and prayers. We will all be here when you are ready to come back. Whether you want to laugh or cry, cuss or scream….we'll be here. You created this amazing place where we all come to chat, to laugh, to share our stories. Hold your family close and cherish those memories of your beloved sister.
You know we will be here for you when you are ready, take your time and get things sorted out. It doesn’t matter if you are funny or serious, we are “listening” and appreciate everything you post. Please don’t be so hard on yourself; you really are an amazing person and the fact that you wrote such lovely things about your sister and family show that. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your family. (((Hugs))) to you and Lexie during this difficult time.
RM- I think one of the hardest things for you is that as a Navy rescue swimmer you saved lives– people you did not even know. Then you were faced with someone you did know and you could not save her and it hurts you deep.
I lost my father to ALS almost 3 years ago and I'll never forget the day we found out, my youngest sons 2nd birthday. My dad died 9 months later. I was not as close to my dad as you to your sister, but I still missed him. There were so many questions I had for him and they would never be answered. I had tremendous support from Alix, who quit her job and moved with the kids from Arizona to California to take care of my mom. I can never repay her for that sacrifice and selflessness. I coped through writing, started a Dear Dad Diary for times when I just wanted to talk to my dad. Before my dad died I had started writing a collection of funny stories about my dad and family and had that self published in 2010.
The only thing I can advise you of is that you do not want to push your family or friends away. Pour your love for your sister into a novel, your children, or even a charity for her cause. Just remember you have lots of fans here and we are all available to talk to you. Take care Romance Man and do not be afraid to ask for help.
RM and Lexie, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you are finding strength in you sisters memory. It is so hard to lose someone who helped make you the person you are. Your sis sounds like a wonderful woman.
My Dad died 10 years ago today and my Mom 10 months ago..
The rest of us will be laughing and crying and celebrating their lives in a few weeks when we get together to remember them in June.
Hang in there, we'll be here when you need us.
2nd Post,,, I too have lost my mom to breast cancer 17 years ago, after an 8 year battle. I have to say that I lost my best friend, I am the last of 5 children and I am the whoops baby.
I had been the caregiver from beginning to end.
I believe we all walk away with some form of guilt. Mine was the shoulda,coulda, woulda…did I do enough???
It never gets easier, but the pain dulls. The only thing that kept my head above water was the fact I had a husband who supported me and my mom 24/7,and a beautiful baby girl to take care of.
I now have 2 beautiful girl's, my oldest is graduating high school, and will be attending college. My baby is 13.
I know my Mom is in her chair up there (and yes reading romance) and smiling down, and every once and awhile I look up and smile right back at her!!
Take Care of yourself RM, because its important to everyone around you, and the ones looking down!!!
A very touching post. You are human and you are having a human experience. My wish for you is that you focus on the memories of your sister. The laughter, the joy, the trying times and the tears. Focus on her life not her passing. Our loved ones are never far from us, even when they are no longer on this physical realm. Your sister will always be a part of you. Honor and cherish her by continuing to be in recovery, not out of a sense of guilt, but to be present in your own life with your family. Even if that is simply taking it one day at a time.
Grief is a bitch, and it sucks. I was a daddy's girl, and next week is the 9th anniversary of my dad dying. As someone else already posted, some years are better than others. For me, grief is a process that ebbs and flows. For various reasons, this year is being a little harder than some of the others. I can relate to being mean to others as a way to vent some of that grief. I've been spoiling for a fight with someone (anyone!) for a couple of weeks now.
One phrase I read after dad died that resonated with me is, "Joy shared is joy increased, and grief shared is grief diminished." I think that's largely true, and I hope that sharing your grief here helps you.
Anniversaries are tough. The first one without numbness is a real bitch. You will get through this. Your sister would want you to and you, your wife and your girls deserve your sobriety. (too preachy? – sorry) You will find your new happy that doesn't include booze or pills. Prayers for you and yours.
Thank you for the reminder of how lucky I am that my husband survived and is healthy today.
We'll all be here!
Huggs
I'll be praying for strength and healing for you and your family.
RM, I was not able to post this last night after reading your post because I was too emotional. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sister. That must have been an extremely difficult time for you and your family. Your sister sounds like an amazing woman. How wonderful that you have such great memories of your time spent together.
Please RM, take care of yourself and get whatever help you need to get through this difficult time in your life. Your wife and kids need you healthy and whole. Stop being so hard on yourself! You are a good man trying to make positive changes in his life and for that you should be proud. Put the past behind you. It’s done and gone and you can’t change it. I know that your sister adored you as much as you obviously adored her. She would want you to be happy and healthy and focusing on the present and looking to the future.
Know that you don’t have to ‘be’ anything for us, but yourself. We love you funny, sappy, sarcastic, whatever. Take all the time you need to heal yourself. Focus on the important things in your life—your well-being, your wife and kids, and your business. The blog and all of us will be here when you are ready to come back.
You have become my friend over the past few months and I care about what happens to you. Please do whatever you need to do so that you are healthy and whole again =)
Brothers and sisters have a very special bond. There's no other relationship with a man that's the same. They know you as an adult, but they also remember chasing you around the house in a towel cape while pretending to be superheroes.
Thank you for sharing, and for reminding us to love the ones who have known us all our lives.
RM, I wanted to say, like others have, "we'll be here." But I want to change that to "we are here." Not just here in cyberspace, but in the real world. Holding you and your family in our hearts everyday. We are sharing this with you. We can't really ease your burden. But we are here.
Oh, RM- I'm so sorry. Guess most of us have experienced the death of someone we love and know how very devastating and debilitating it can be. My Mom died >15 years ago, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Time really does help the loss hurt less, but at least they're always with you in your heart. I'm sure your sister would be so proud of the struggle and perseverance you've gone thru to maintain your sobriety. No doubt Lexie and the girls are proud of you, as well.
I can't imagine that anyone here expects you to be funny all the time. Being human means we will experience all kinds of ups and downs, sometimes heartbreakingly so. No apologies necessary or expected.
Thanks for sharing such a special tribute to your sister with us. I hope it eased your heart a little.
Oh, RM- I'm so sorry. Guess most of us have experienced the death of someone we love and know how very devastating and debilitating it can be. My Mom died >15 years ago, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Time really does help the loss hurt less, but at least they're always with you in your heart. I'm sure your sister would be so proud of the struggle and perseverance you've gone thru to maintain your sobriety. No doubt Lexie and the girls are proud of you, as well.
I can't imagine that anyone here expects you to be funny all the time. Being human means we will experience all kinds of ups and downs, sometimes heartbreakingly so. No apologies necessary or expected.
Thanks for sharing such a special tribute to your sister with us. I hope it eased your heart a little.
It is hard to put the guilt from someone you loved who dies, especially when that person is very close to you in so many ways. I can understand and will tell you that it can get better. I lost my father 8 years ago to a terrible disease as well. He wasted away in front of me and I couldn't deal. I suffered from the guilt that I should have done more, seen him more, but at the time I couldn't do it. Take the time you need to come to terms with your sister's death. You will never be completely over it but you still have your family and they will be there for you always.
They understand you as no one else can and I found great solace in them.
Well damn, RM, today you did make me cry. It's been over 25 years since I lost my Mom to cancer. It took her swiftly once it was diagnosed. So many times I just wish she could see how beautiful her Granddaughers have become and now the six great Grands she would know are "a chip off the old block." She died when cancer from a choroidal nevus had spread to her liver.
A lesson to everyone to have annual eye exams. A choroidal nevus is like a birthmark in your eye and they can grown into a malignant melanoma. Yep, I have one in my left eye and have it checked every six months by a retina specialist.
Every reason for me to hold close to me those I love dearly. Hug 'em, squeeze 'em, tell them I love them – more than ever.
*hugs*
Artemis–excellent advice. I had my first melanoma cancer removed 31 years ago–when I was 31, and I remember the doctor saying to watch for those unusual spots because they can kill you. Six months later, HE was dead from a choroidal nevus that followed the optic nerve to his brain. He was a wonderful man and his attention to a tiny spot that I'd barely noticed saved my life. It was a tragedy when he lost his, but a lesson I'll never forget. My best to you.
You said you weren't the brother you should have been.
Make sure you are the husband and father, you want to be and that your sister knew you to be.
Know that she watched and wouldn't want to see you mask like with false additives.
As far as funny? If life were always such, we couldn't laugh when the true fun stuff happens. We wouldn't know the difference.
Prior to your posting I'd committed a donation to the American Cancer Society as well as our local hospice. Three years ago we went through something similar.
I agree with Kate 100%–Keep your sister alive in everyone's memories by talking, remembering and sharing those memories with all the family.
Thoughts and strength to you and yours.
Hello RM and Lexie. It's another day, and we're here. You don't have to talk to us, we just want to share our strength with you. You have a lot of caring women, that's a LOT of strength. When you feel down, look aver a few of these posts. We'll be here tomorrow too…
Pat said it perfectly……..
Aww….Pat……Luci is right. That was perfect.
It's another day, and we're here. You don't have to talk to us, we just want to share our strength with you.
Hey RM & Lexie….
What Pat and Luci and Kiki said, that goes for me too.
1 2 3 4
Pat, Luci, Kiki, "HI" ***waving*** I'll be back later
Hey LG waving back!!
My big sister is my best friend, and I can't and don't want to imagine what it would be like to lose her. Please take care of yourself, Romance man, and we'll be here when your ready to come back.
RM-
I wish I had magic words for the pain and grief you must be feeling, unfortunately I don't. I think all of us on this site have experienced pain and grief of losing a loved one or in some cases losing something of ours (a dream, a goal) that was dear, and therefore I firmly believe no one denies you your expressions of pain and loss. As your humor and insight helps us through the trying times of our lives, if just to forget the stresses and trials we endure, hopefully our presence and love can return some of that in this time of pain for you.
Likewise, it would take a pretty hard person to not understand your struggles in dealing with the grief and speaking for myself I have not always handled things well either, it is part of being human:)
Something I too have struggled with is in forgiving ourselves for what we see as transgressions against those we loved and have lost. You write about the pain you feel about 'not being as good a brother as she was a sister' and I understand that, with both my mom and dad there were things left unsaid at the time they passed away, issues that had not been resolved. What helped me feel better was as a parent I realize how much I love my own son and that love means I don't expect him to be as good a child as he might see me being a parent, that the love I gave him was given freely. With your sister, she showed you the love and caring she did because she loved you and I think being the person she seemed to be she loved you for who you are and she knew that despite what you see as transgressions and omissions she loved you just as fiercely. Someone wise told me that the biggest act of love we can give to a loved one who had passed was to forgive ourselves for our feelings of being less then perfect, because more then likely, they themselves had long before and would be troubled by our beating ourselves up over it. I realize it can't take away all the pain and grief, but maybe in its own way those words can help you grieve without adding the burdens of guilt on it as much:)
Lexie, you lost your best friend and sister. I am so so sorry. Thank God you are so strong cause you've had to lead the way. RM, you are counting your blessings amid the thorns. You are making it now. Love yous!
Lexie,Girls, RM, Brother-in-law and Loving Sisters Daughters
Our thoughts are with you – and I hope you feel all the love and support on this page. We support you and hope you can pull from our collective strength to get thru these next days and weeks. If you stumble – get up we will still be here – don't beat yourself up – you are a superhero – but you are also human.
Friends accept each other no matter their mood – funny, sad or mad. They also wait – we will be here when you are ready
I came to this blog a few weeks ago, as a recommendation from a friend. I loved it, have even shared it with my husband and if anything I respect the hell out of you for being able to talk about your feelings in this way and recognizing your mistakes and the need to make it better for yourself and those around you. I won't deny I will be eagerly waiting for another of your funny posts.
Hi Rm,
I am so sorry that you are going through this and I can't imagine losing my sister like you have. As you can tell there are lots of us rooting for you and your family. In fact, as a Christian, I will be praying for you and your family. Praying that you all are blessed with the strength to get through this, and are given the peace that you need.
Thank you for sharing your sister with us.
Dammit, I have tried to post this four times without success, and its AN IMPORTANT post to answer! Watch, this one will work.
I have nothing new to add (now), that everyone hasn't already said. My thoughts are with you and Lexie. We will be here when you are ready.
Of course, now it worked. SIGH.
RM, that was a lovely tribute to your sister. Please do not give up on being sober and staying away from pills. Stay strong, and I will be thinking about you and your family. We will be here when you come back. Lots of love – ((((((HUGS)))))))
Dear RM-Remy. You've done a good thing for yourself and I applaud you. It's cathartic to write about your pain and own it whether it's only for your eyes or includes others. You've chosen to share with your blog peeps. While each of us grieve in our way and in our own time, it's still a universal process and it sounds like the majority of us have dealt with death up close and personal and is why we can so easily identify with your experiences. I hope you didn't honestly believe we'd "stone" you for being as human as we are and I hope the support you're receiving will be of some comfort. Good for you for being able to "talk" about the death of your sister and your Mom. I think it's probably the most powerful tool there is in helping us to deal.
I have not forgotten deaths of family, friends or pets but with time, the good, the fun and the crazy stuff, surfaces first and fastest instead of putting me under the bed with sad.
The great thing about life is that each day we get a brand new start. We can piss it away or we can do good stuff for ourselves, which is what those who love us want above anything else. We are responsible for our own actions and depending on what those actions are, it will cause our loved ones grief or it will let them feel good because we got our shit together, today. It's our choice and because we are imperfect, we won't always make the right choice for ourselves but if the higher percentage of choices fall in that "right" category, then it's as good as it gets.
Guilt is a waste of time and energy and it makes me sad to see it indulged. I think "shoulda, coulda, woulda" is bullshit and needs to be stricken from our vocabularies because it serves no purpose. Reflection and resolve to change future behavior is a good thing and a sign of growth in my book. That seems to be the direction you're heading RM and that's a thumbs-up.
If/when you decide to come back to blog I imagine most of us will be here because we damn sure have had a lot of fun with you. If you decide your life needs to go in another less time consuming direction, we won't think any worse of you (unless we catch you twittering). Your humorous honesty is a gift that we've loved sharing but none of us are "on" every single day, grasshopper, so you're just like the rest of us. Stay strong cowboy and we'll leave the light on for you. xoxo
Nancy that is beautiful and so true – I have come back reading comments as some like yours have been helpful to myself in my own raw grief.
Thank you
Don't be sorry. I am approachinb the 1 year anniversary if losing my big brother. Take your time and allow yourself to be wrapped in the love of your family and friends. I always tell people, when something amazing happens to me in a day, that is his way of letting me know he is still looking out for his kid brother.
Hi! It's Thursday…thinking about you and Lexie…….
Still here……
What Pat said ^. Miss you.
Hey Lexie & RM, As Pat & Scarlet said, we are still here. We will be.
You know how many of us there are….
RM and Lexie hope things are looking up and you are feeling at least a tiny bit lighter of heart.
Hiya gals and guys
Sorry about your sister. I lost my mother to cancer too.
Just checking in. Hope everyone is having a good day.
RM and Lexie, sending you my love and prayers. ((((hugs))))
I am absolutely not judging you. Posts like these are why I love your blog. You're not afraid to say what you're thinking or how you feel (at least online).
Losing someone is never easy. Family worst of all–it's downright devastating. I'm sorry to hear about your sister, but you're right–you do need to be strong for your family.
Take all the time you need, RM. We'll still be here.
<3,
-J
Hi there RomanceMan and Lexie
and its 100 degrees now 
. gonna have to do something about it on my next day off.
just stopping by to say hello. finished my day at work, my car airconditioner died
Want you to know I'm thinkin' of ya'll.
Hi PAT, LUCI, SCARLET, KIKI **waving**
Hey, what about me??! ;-(
Hi Kermie!!! **waving ** How's your day? Read any good books lately??
Hey!!! LILY!!!!
PAT, LUCI, SCARLET and the always lovable, LADY G!!!
How about NANCY, CRAZYGRANNY, LULU….
There have been so many people on here, its impossible.
RM & LEXIE……Thinking about you guys.
This is hard. I know because I am the only person left from my own natal family. I miss my mom, my dad, and my brother. They were the best! What I have done is give them immortality. My grand girls, who never met any of them, know them through stories and pictures. They sleep every night on the bed my parents bought for $25 in 1948, right after my brother was born (I was conceived in it and cut my first tooth on the headboard). They know my brother was an alcoholic who tried so very hard to not be one. They know he took me with him everywhere and even potty trained me. They laugh and say, "remember, Grandma, the time you and your brother stayed out all day hunting and fishing?" This is how immortality works-in the hearts and minds of those we've touched, the memories and stories, the laughter and tears.Take as long as you need, RM, and we'll be waiting for you. We'll share again those laughter and tears, We'll share this burden with you until then.
*waving* Hi, LG, Kiki, and all.
I have been reading some M/M these days, but also rereading Kate's books. Can't go wrong there!
Hey Lily!
I have just finished Kate Angell, Squeeze Play. Just started BroMagnet. Cant think of the authors name. But funny as all get out so far. I have Jill Shalvis' latest, Cherry Adairs latest, and piles and piles of others. Plus I now have a friend telling me I must read 50 Shades!! Never enough time.
RM and Lexie – Just wanted to say that you both are in my thoughts today (((HUGS)))
Hi all! Submerged at work today but popped i to say i hope each day is better than the one before, RM and Lexie.
Am loving Bro-Magnet. Exactly the tongue in cheek style i love.
Good morning everyone! Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Hi RM and Lexie. You are in my prayers and thoughts. If you need us we are here.
Miss you. Xoxo
@McEckK. You humble me and you're welcome if anything I said was helpful.
Grief is hard work and each of us have to go through the full process, at the pace we can handle, in order to heal. There are a ton of things that can be used to delay the work and is another choice we each make.
There are many forms of support that can be helpful but no matter how we dance around it, we have to allow ourselves to feel all the emotions connected with death, Anger is particularly potent.
What worked for me was a journal via computer where I could say every evil, vile, unreasonable thing that crossed my mind as fast as I could type it. I needed a release for my anger in a way that would do no harm nor come down on others (not that they escaped entirely, you understand) but still, it was my baggage, not theirs and I felt it was better that whatever I was feeling was put in words on the screen rather me taking someone's head off.
Sometimes we're lucky enough to have a friend that knows how to listen…one that will not take anything that's said personally, will not interrupt, and will not offer advice. It's a rare quality but does exist. In another venue, this would be a paid therapist.
I don't know exactly what moves us from one stage of grief to another but I suspect it's sheer exhaustion. It takes an incredible amount of energy to deal with emotions that are all over the damn place and don't happen in any particular pattern. One minute everything could be fine and the next minute, or day or weeks something that wouldn't necessarily make sense, could set me off and I would be in tears. It's the process.
We all need to remember the secret weapon in our arsenal and that's laughter (even if it's hysterical at times). It's been said forever that laughter is good medicine and I agree. It's the "big gun" that can help us as we work our way through the grieving process, if we're open to it.
There are plenty of good books, written by experts, about the grieving process. Years ago, I didn't have a clue and I bought several to help me understand. I've only touched on a few things that I found helpful over the years.
@Kiki. You're right…there are so many of us that it's impossible to name each of us individually. We could just say the BBL collectively but the men that post need to be included as well so maybe the BBL+Men. Something to think about since we're attached to the BBL label.:)
And, speaking of books…those written by authors able to actually elicit out loud laughs, would be a most excellent diversion for anybody that's feeling down or in the grieving process.
Hi RM, Lexie…..thought the quote was very true! It goes for new friends too, like the BBL sisters. I'm here, because of you………XO
Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
RM and Family –
I didn't want today to go by without letting you know you are in my thoughts. You are in my thoughts each day – but today even more. I prayed to Leeny Beany last night and asked her to give you a sign that she was okay and still there for you and loved you all.
RM and Lexie, been thinking of you guys often and especially today. Sending lots of hugs and love your way. XOXO
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend–if you're out and about, please stay safe. Long weekends always make me nervous!
I've been writing the past few days, going over and over the first half of the book, tweaking all the characters so I can get into the final half and pull it together. I'm learning a lot about each of them as I write, and that made me think what I've learned about so many of you who frequent this blog. I think we often write words we can't ever speak in a "real world" situation, and when you can do that among friends, even though they're not "real world" friends, it becomes its own form of therapy.
I've gotten to know a lot of my readers in person over the years, and the really cool thing is how much I realize I thoroughly enjoy them as real people after knowing them through their writing for a long time. I hope I get to meet a lot of you in the real world–which takes me back to what I started out with when I sat down to write–stay safe. Enjoy your families and friends, have a wonderful weekend, but don't become a statistic.
And yes, I freely admit to a well-developed worry gene, but that's a different story for another time. Hi Lexie and RM!
Thanks Kate – I hope you have a great weekend too!
You are right – it is wonderful how we can be "real" online with people on this blog and other places – yes I too write things I sometimes don't dare say – or haven't said in a long time. I think I am too busy being a wife and Mom – but here you all don't see that so I can indulge!
PS – Nancy I'm out getting dirty – thank you!
Good morning everyone.
RM & Lexie, thoughts are with you today and always.
Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. You have the right to be here. Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Nancy, you are right, BBL + Men…:-) There have been a number of men on here the last few days! Scott wrote a terrific comment earlier.
Have a great memorial day weekend everyone. And be thankful to those in the armed forces.
Thinking of you today, RM and Lexie.
I'm also in my fifth year of bereavement. My second daughter died at birth five years ago this past March. The fifth year is just bad all around.
Trying to process grief is an ongoing challenge. The only advice I have is to own it. Don't apologize for feeling angry, or helpless, or like you're drowning in negativity. Every emotion you have is valid and you need to cut yourself some slack. You are doing the best you can with an impossible pain.
Also, I have brothers who've been jackasses to me, made excuses to miss important events, and been less than supportive in tough times. If I lost one of them, I'd be just as crushed as you are to lose the perfect sibling. Your sister loved you, even if you weren't perfect. Your wife loves you. It's okay for you to love you, too.
We'll all be waiting for you when you climb back out of 'the Pit' of grief. No rush.
Lexi and RM, thinking of you today…
BBL's and Men, stay safe and have a wonderful weekend, it's a cold saturday morning here in NZ, the fire is warming things up, hot cafe con leche to start my day, getting dark early now so I'm looking forward to SC/ daylight savings/hot weather in a week and a half.
AnneB, that is such good advice. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I so appreciate what you say, because that's something we often forget–we grieve for a reason, and if we don't own that grief and, in a way, celebrate it, we really can't move forward.
My thoughts are with you during what must be a difficult anniversary.
Good for you for taking the time you need and facing your grief now. My aunt died of ovarian cancer when I was 16. It's fucking savage and it's awful to see anyone go that way.
I feel for you losing someone so close to you to this horrible disease and commend you greatly for the positive action you're now taking to help fund further research into detection and possible future prevention from it.
On that score, I urge everyone with teenage daughters to get them vaccinated against HPV. It won't do anything to protect against ovarian cancer but has now been shown to help protect against "the two HPV types (HPV-16 and HPV-18) that cause 70% of cervical cancers, 80% of anal cancers, 60% of vaginal cancers, and 40% of vulvar cancers" – and genital warts. Anything that helps prevent cancer is a very good thing and for this to be available to the next generation is wonderful, it'll reduce the occurrence of these cancers greatly.
Sorry for your loss sending you some strenghth and will be here when your ready.
I will be here waiting!
I think you are on the right path… at least you can admit to what you know is truth, that says a lot about the man you are. Also, maybe you are still here to do what you do best and that is to tell the story, about how strong she was and how she loved until her last breath… be instrumental to someone else…..
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