When I was fifteen I couldn’t wait to get laid. All of my friends had already had sex at that point and I was the last holdout and they kept giving me shit about it. I had my chances but didn’t go through with it because I was scared as hell. The thing that scared me the most for some reason was that I wouldn’t be able to get it in and she would have to help me. I pictured myself stabbing her with my dick over and over till she said “here, let me do it”. I told my uncle about it and he said “don’t worry, this weekend I’ll take you to get a hooker”. I liked the idea, I figured she is a professional she won’t laugh at me and may even give me some tips. So Friday night comes and my uncle takes me to the red light district in my town and pulls over to the side of the road and points to four women on the sidewalk and says “which one do you want” to which I replied “THOSE ARE MY FUCKIN’ CHOICES”?. He said “yeah, pick one”, I said “no way in hell am I fuckin’ one of them, I’ll take my chances at school”.
A few days later I was talking to one of my brothers friends, he was five years older than me and I didn’t like him much, he was a dickhead. We were talking about girls and he said “look, getting pussy is easy, all you have to do is treat them like shit”, I said “huh”?, he said “girls like to be treated like shit, if they think you like them they won’t be interested”. This seemed stupid to me but this guy did get laid all the time and a lot of girls liked him and like I said, he was a dickhead. So I asked my brother if it was true did girls really like to be treated that way. My brother was barely twenty at the time but gave me some of the best advice I have every received. He said “it doesn’t matter”, I said “what do you mean”?, he said “it doesn’t matter if girls want to be treated like shit, what matters is do you want to be the kind of guy that treats them that way”. I said “no, but I do want to get laid”, he said “don’t worry about it, just be yourself and you’ll get laid”.
That conversation stuck with me because the truth is, and I bet all of you have seen it as well, there are some women who seem to be drawn to guys that treat them badly. The other day I was googling stuff about relationships looking for some ideas for a blog post and I came across this article. It is called “Yes, Chicks Dig Jerks” (my title is better). It is a fascinating article and gives evolutionary reasons as to why some women are attracted to dickheads. It cites different studies and sources and gives some incredible facts. For example, abused women are more likely to have sons than women who are not abused. These sons grow up in an abusive household and become abusers themselves. It also talks about similar behavior throughout the animal kingdom and is really pretty interesting. I have no idea if it is true but it is interesting. It’s that whole “bad boy’ thing where some women simply like assholes. The article also scared the shit out of me because I started thinking of my daughters. I mean, what if you do everything right and you raise a smart, strong girl but she has some evolutionary attraction to assholes? What do you do? My twenty year old has turned out exactly as I hoped despite my best efforts at being a shitty father. She is in college, gets good grades, is smart, she is a hard worker, she saves all her money so she can travel, she has already been to Europe and Central America and will be going to South Africa this summer. But she has never had a serious boyfriend and I am worried she might bring home a total dickhead. So I called her and the conversation did not go as planned. Before I write the conversation we had I want you to understand my daughter. She has the same weird sense of humor I have and she really knows how to fuck with me.
Me: Hey, I’m e-mailing you an article I want you to read.
Her: What’s it about?
Me: It’s about women who get into relationships with men who treat them badly.
Her: Why would you send me that?
Me: Because I don’t want you to date a guy like that.
Her: What if he’s really hot and the sex is great?
Me: You’re not funny, this is serious you have to be careful who you date.
Her: I liked Ride With Me.
Me: What? When did you read that?
Her: Mom told me about it and I read it, it was good.
Me: You shouldn’t be reading those kinds of books yet.
Her: I’m 20, how old do I have to be?
Her: What did you think of Anton and Stefan?
Me: Who are they?
Her: I read Wolf Tales.
Her: Yeah, mom told me about it so I read it. It was a little weird but I liked it. My friends are reading it now. I’m surprised you like gay sex.
Her: Mom told me you guys were reading it together, she said Kate Douglas sent her some signed books.
Me: Mom told you that?
Her: Yeah, I was surprised you were into that.
Me: I’m not into gay sex.
Her: It’s ok if you are.
Me: I’m not.
Her: You don’t have to pretend with me, I love you anyway. What kind of men do you like?
Me: You’re not funny. What else did your mom tell you?
Her: After you read Ride With Me you guys started looking at bicycles. When you’re done with Wolf Tales are you going to bring other men home?
Her: She didn’t have to tell me anymore, I just read your blog.
Me: Goddammit! I knew it, I’m gonna kill her.
Her: What’s the big deal I think it’s cool.
Her: You and mom are reading books together and doing a blog together, it’s cool. None of my friends have parents who do that. I like reading it but it’s weird to hear you say pussy and blow job.
Me: Don’t talk that way.
Her: I like the comments other people say too. It’s cool you can get people to read your stuff everyday and make them laugh.
Me: I’m glad you think it’s cool but promise me you won’t read it anymore.
Me: Because I don’t want you reading it, promise me you won’t.
Me: Please promise me.
Her: Did mom really say those things to you during sex?
Me: STOP! I don’t want to talk to you anymore, I gotta go.
Her: I won’t date any dicks.
Me: Thank you.
I was epically pissed at my wife and was ready to go all Mel Gibson on her. If there was one person in the world I did not want to know about this blog it was my daughter. Luckily my wife wasn’t home and I had time to calm down and think about it. It’s been a few days and I have talked to my daughter since and I’m actually glad she knows. For some reason she seems thinks it is cool and I haven’t been cool to her in a long time.
I wound up getting laid a few months later and I was as bad as I expected, I poked her everyplace but the right place and eventually she said exactly what I was afraid of “here, let me do it”.